Roll to me.....

Look into your heart pretty baby,
is it aching with some nameless need?
Is there something wrong and you cant put your finger on it?
Right then, roll to me.

So, I am sitting in my friend Beth's kitchen, waiting to make tacos and hang out, but my heart is just so full right now.

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for



What am I looking for? What is my heart searching for? For those of you following me on this journey, get used to lots of confusion. I am an 18 (19 in 3 days) year old who is searching for something more. Asking myself so many questions, questions that so many others are asking themselves.

Why do I continue to seek after God, but never seem to find the joy that others have?
Why do I let others make me feel condemned for what I am doing, when I know it is right?


These questions I got from a friend, but they certainly pertain to my life right now. I feel so much like the guy from the Shawshank Redemption, seeking freedom. Why do I feel like I am not free? I choose how I live everyday, I choose what I wear, who I talk to, how I act. Yet, I feel like I am still oppressed. I feel like I am caged, never able to do anything at all. Complacency. I have become complacent with my mass confusion. Where the hell is my heart at? What does it yearn for? Why do I feel like I cannot live until I receive the punishment I deserve. I feel as though I cannot be loved properly unless first there is some sort of form of retribution. I need to be punished first to get past the stage of feeling guilty. And guilt is not a healthy emotional, because there is a massive difference between conviction and guilt. For the longest time, I have tried to convince myself I was always convicted. But, to be honest, it is not conviction my heart feels. It is guilt.

Where did this idea come from? That in order to be truly forgiven, I first must be punished. It is a concept that you are taught, not something you just make up for funsies. All throughout my life, I was constantly punished. I was grounded most of the time. Of course, I deserved grounding sometimes. But, when I got frustrated about the punishment, my parents always said something along the lines of, "We don't like to punish you, but we do it because we love you."

There it is! I am not condemning my parents or saying what they did was wrong, because I feel like I am ALWAYS putting the blame on my parents. But, from that, I got the idea that true love means you must punish them, you want what is best for them, and punishment is what is best. So, I believe that I cannot truly accept God's love until He punishes me. Which isn't going to happen, so where do I go from here?

Lots to ponder. Until next time...

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace