I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


My heart is broken. I didn't think this would ever happen to me. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who found the one on the first try. I put everything I had into the relationship, and I watched it fail.

I've spent the day listening to Missy Higgins on repeat (see song above) and crying in public. I cried on the bus, I cried at Chilli's, I cried in the computer lab. I have become that girl. I promised myself I would be strong, that it wouldn't get to me. Well, it got to me. I broke. And I have no clue what to do with myself, how to be, anything. I never understood the complexity of being broken hearted, and how much it really hurt me.I don't know what to do. I'm used to being held when I'm hurt, and now I have no one. My heart no longer belongs to me.

I don't know how to get it back....

Lead Me To The Cross.........

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the mention of your name.

Why is it that sometimes it takes the most simple thing to connect you back to God. You pray and plead for months to feel the spark again, and expect it at a big moment. You wait for it to hit you like lightning, a jolt through your heart. You expect it to be squeezed back into you, tight and leaving you breathless. But, instead, it is a small gesture from God, still leaving you breathless. It is a kiss on the cheek, it is Him reaching out and touching your hand lightly, Him whispering i love you into your ear.

That happpened to me tonight. See, we have this thing at our church called Souled Out. It happens monthly, and it is an extended time of worship and communion. Worship has always been how I connected with God. Without music, I'm not sure I would have ever knelt at His throne. Music has always been the way in which I connected, the way in which I understood. I wasn't intelligent with theology or scripture, I wasn't very humble, I sucked at extending grace to others, and I was as transparent as a pair of glasses on a person who just stepped inside from cold weather (those who wear glasses should totally understand this reference, for the rest of you it may be a little foggy ;) ). But music spoke to me, and I felt like I could speak to God through music. So, tonight starts off with a few songs I love. That is always the case with h2o (my church here on campus). Then, the beginning chords to a song I adore are struck. I believe they are C minor, E, F minor, G minor. I suck at chords, but I'm pretty confident on that. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. The song is Hosanna, and the chords ring deep in my being. Something begins to rise inside of me, and the words flow out of me as though the Holy Spirit has grasped onto my vocal chords and taken control. My feet begin to tap, and my hands begin to move in worship of my Father. My heart feeling so at peace, we sit down for the lesson: God in 3D.

We start off with Corey Reasonover, a blessing to my heart. He discusses the first D: Design (I know, it looks like a distressed face, and not an introduction to the first D, lol). He tells us all about how God is the infinite Creator of the universe, who loved us before He made us. Um, dang.

Then, Tomas Stewart, another blessing to my heart, discusses the second D: Devotion. Giving God glory in your day to day life. Doing my homework, because being a good student is glorifying my Christ. Waking up so I can live and share His love with my life. All of that great junk.

Finally we had Grant Rohlfer, he as well is a blessing to my heart, discussing the final D: Disaster (now, the distressed face is semi-appropriate here, lol). Basically, Grant says that throughout disaster, God is there for us. Some biblical examples are Job and Joseph.

All of the teachings clicked. It clicked. Now it was time for communion and more worship. Something struck me in my gut about communion. This was represnting Christ's body, which was broken for us and Christ's blood which was poured out for us. I reached for the bread and dipped it in the grape juice (we are in college people, no wine here). I took a step away from the table, took a deep breath, and fell to my knees in adoration and gratefulness of the sacrifices Christ made for me.

My heart full of love, warmth, and an undescribable feeling, I accepted myself as worthy. I accepted that I did deserve Christ, My heart full of joy and as light as a grain of salt, I stood to my feet and raised my hands as I cried out the words to song after song. I felt everything leave me, and I felt His arms wrap around me. I vaguely remember dancing, like a child. Do you remember what that feels like? To be so carefree, that you just dance, and twirl your skirt, and sing, and nothing else around you exists? I became a child again in the love of Christ. I became drunk on the Holy Spirit. I danced and sang at the top of my lungs, unashamed of what came out. Nothing could make me feel embarrassed about what I felt, what I sung, how loud I sung it, or how darn off key it was. God was standing next to me holding my hand as I sung, dancing with me in joy. Nobody could make me feel small.

I belted out the words that felt so right to my heart, "Jesus Paid It All".

I was a child tonight, for the first time in so many years. And when I say child, I don't mean immature and snotty, because that is how I am everyday. I mean carefree, open to being loved, needy, and innocent. Tonight, I let go. I threw my hands into the air, and reached out for God to hold me like the needy child I was.