She sat at the kitchen table, the back door slightly ajar to let in the cool summer breeze. She had spent the day cleaning and doing laundry, and she could see the clothes hanging on the line through the window. That was one of her favorite scents: the smell of clothes that have been dried on the line. Detergent and wind and summer mixed together. She stood up to open the refrigerator door with plans to make dinner, when she heard a car door slam so hard that her entire body reverberated. The cool summer air shifted. She looked around her, frightened as to what was going to happen next. Uncertainty made her feel uncomfortable. Yet, here she was, standing in the kitchen unable to move, facing uncertainty. She knew that sound. But, she never knew what would happen next.

She heard the heavy clunk of boots rising up the few stairs to the back door. She peered out the screen and saw his face. She instantly knew what she was in for. She bolted up the stairs, but not quick enough. The door flung open and he grabbed a tight hold of her wrist. He yanked her back to him and threw her on the ground. She covered her face with her hands and began sobbing uncontrollably.

"Please." she begged. "Please. Don't."

Her cries only egged him on farther. He grabbed her by the back of the head and drug her through the kitchen as she howled in pain. He wrapped his hand around her throat and growled, "Bitch, shut your mouth before I shut it for you."

She fought him as his hands fumbled to unclasp the button on her jeans. She scratched at him as he began to slide them off of her body. No matter how loud she yelled, no one would hear her. It was the reason he chose to live out in the middle of nowhere, she knew.

A swift blow to the head left her confused and speechless for a few minutes. When she finally came to, he was inside of her. He was thrusting away into her limp body, unable to fight anymore. She had gotten used to this, after being married to him for 4 years now. Eventually, she let go and just laid there.

He began to boil with rage. "You don't like making love to me anymore?!" She didn't have the strength to answer him. Nor did she have the courage. Everything she said was a potential strike. She lived in constant fear. She just turned her face away from him and stared at a spot of dirt on the kitchen floor.

He wrapped his fingers around her throat once again and leaned in to whisper in her ear, "Don't you dare think about leaving me. Because I will find you. And it ain't gonn' be pretty." He pulled out of her and left her lying there on the kitchen floor. Her hand reached her mouth as a tiny cry escaped her lips, and once again, she was alone...

A new me?

Be honest. Is there ever that voice inside of your head that screams at you? Not in a crazy, psychotic kind of way. It screams things that make sense. "Grow up!!!" or "What are you doing with your life??"

If you say no, I say bullpoopy. You are a liar. We all get that voice.

Well, last night that voice was screaming at me like no other. After a bit, it turned a lot angrier though, and I realized it became the voice of Satan.

"You are pathetic!!!"

"FAILURE!!!!!!"

"Psssh, you are WORTHLESS!!"

The old me? I would get sooo down because of that. Probably spend the night depressed and crying like an immature little child. The new me? The one that was changed on October 17? I became empowered. I wanted to punch Satan in the face with the Truth.

"I am far from pathetic. I am valued and loved in the eyes of God and my friends."

"I have failed before, but that does not make me a failure because I am LEARNING from my mistakes."

"I am worthless? Bahahahaha, look in the mirror."

It was so crazy to feel so empowered by what God showed me this weekend. I found myself being a warrior. Strong. It is crazy how God is changing me. But, dang, I am excited(:

I remember the days when everyone used to blog. Most my friends had some sort of social networking deal in which I could keep updated about their lives.

It is depressing when someone you were once so close with, you hardly talk to anymore. It begins to make you feel as though maybe they never really cared that much in the first place. Some people I guess just don't want to remain in my life that way.

R.I.P. to those friendships :(

Desert Song

"This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received I will sow."

To be moved by one persons testimony so much that it affects your life is something miraculous and a straight up blessing from God. I have been moved by a testimony from Jill McCloghry. She is a singer for Hillsong United. If you go to youtube.com and search 'Desert Song Story', you will be privileged enough to hear her testimony.

What I see from her testimony is a divine faith in God. She holds securely to His word and His promises. How easy is it for us to get discouraged and just give up and turn our backs on God? For me, it is the easiest thing for me to do. It is what I did for the majority of this summer. I entered this summer with so many expectations, to watch them all be blown out of the water. I sat back and witnessed my entire world crumbling into pieces as God did nothing. Or so I thought. See, the funny thing about that is, God did everything. Everything that happens happens for a purpose that a lot of the times we cannot begin to comprehend. The entire time I watched my world fall apart, I imagined God as this cold and distant being who was turning His back on me. My heart was completely torn apart because my Heavenly Father who was always supposed to love me was turning His back on me. But, the truth is, every time something else failed or fell apart, God was opening His arms even wider. God watched me be broken and watched everything disappear because I needed to know what it meant to only rely on God. I lost my reason for living, my reason for singing, my reason for worshiping. I felt alone and rejected, so I turned my back on Him like I thought He had turned His back on me.

It took one line from a song to fill me up with God's love. The line that is bolded, I know I'm filled to be emptied again. So, I am giving God my hand again, and I am ready to be filled and emptied again.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

Welcome to my funeral...

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou

"Who I am is not who I wanna be."

Why does God do the things He does? Am I even allowed to question His so-called plans? Why would He put someone through so much disappointment? Really, what good can that do?

I have a job interview with Torrid on Monday, and all I can really do is pray to God to bless me with this job.

My silly, youthful urges are surfacing once again in my life. Lately I have been writing a lot, singing, dreaming. As the song goes, "Every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights." I'm having these insane ideas again that I want to be famous. Why? I really thought I had moved past that. Realized that I lacked the potential needed to make it big time and accepted that I could affect people on a local level. Obviously not.

I even quit smoking. Like, I threw away an entire pack of cigarettes (almost full) in hopes of saving my voice.

Where is this coming from? It's poor timing.

Anyways, here's a life update. I am currently living at my best friends future husbands house. Confusing? I am working somewhere between 40-55 hours a week at McDonald's (I worked a 15 hour shift just yesterday). My phone = a goner. But here in an hour or so, I will be taking care of that and getting a new one. I am buying a car next week. I am going to this dealership called Donald's, and I'll be making payments on it for awhile. I am trying to find somewhere close to "home" to live, but I cannot afford to live on my own and I cannot seem to find anyone who wants to live with me. I started dating a new guy. His name is Nate. He is wonderful, mature, and sweet. He is going into the Navy.

So, there's a quick update, for those who read this (aka Samantha).

"A different city every night, oh yes I swear, the world better prepare for when I'm a billionaire."

So, you know those deep holes that you have in your heart? The ones that randomly bring you to tears and make you weak at the knees and just feel....empty? I think we all do. How do we rid this hole I speak of? I wish I knew for sure, because if I did I am sure I could make millions off of the solution. It would be so easy to say that God will fill all of those holes, but what if He doesn't? What if in the mind of God, is best for you to be 'holey'. (You're totally allowed to giggle at that horrible pun.)

The holes in me make me do such horrid things. I am always in search of a filler. So, I do stuff to make me "happy". I drink, I smoke, I casually hook up with guys, I lie, I steal, I cheat, I sin. These holes inside of me are massive, ones that are there from many a things. My parents, my real father, my first love, the guy who raped me, friends who have stabbed me in the back. My heart is so full of holes. And here I am trying to fill them with, well, sand. It seeps right through the holes. They may feel filled for a few moments, but the moment ends and I am wishing for it to be filled again.

So, where do I find this filler?? For now, I find myself wishing, wishing, wishing....