So, you know those deep holes that you have in your heart? The ones that randomly bring you to tears and make you weak at the knees and just feel....empty? I think we all do. How do we rid this hole I speak of? I wish I knew for sure, because if I did I am sure I could make millions off of the solution. It would be so easy to say that God will fill all of those holes, but what if He doesn't? What if in the mind of God, is best for you to be 'holey'. (You're totally allowed to giggle at that horrible pun.)
The holes in me make me do such horrid things. I am always in search of a filler. So, I do stuff to make me "happy". I drink, I smoke, I casually hook up with guys, I lie, I steal, I cheat, I sin. These holes inside of me are massive, ones that are there from many a things. My parents, my real father, my first love, the guy who raped me, friends who have stabbed me in the back. My heart is so full of holes. And here I am trying to fill them with, well, sand. It seeps right through the holes. They may feel filled for a few moments, but the moment ends and I am wishing for it to be filled again.
So, where do I find this filler?? For now, I find myself wishing, wishing, wishing....
About Me
- Candace Maria
- What is the purpose of a blog? I don't do it to further myself in any way, or as some narcissistic attempt to make myself feel better as I watch the number of followers I have climb (if they even do climb). I do it because I have things inside of me that I need to get out in a healthy manner, and I know that writing has always been a blessing in disguise to my heart. I would rather write random entries that maybe 1 person tops reads, then to keep it all inside until I erupt, a volcanic mess of emotions. Also, people have such a negative connotation of what a christian is. A hypocrite, a liar, judgmental, fake, or whatever else you can come up with. I am here to prove that there are some of us who are different, who live to love. Come on in, and let me share my love with you. God knows I have plenty to share. [:
maybe Gods not meant to fill in the holes since nothing can do that. Maybe He just wants to comfort you about them. Maybe instead of a filler u need a cover. The hole still exist underneath, but it is no longer a problem, a sore, just something that needed to be covered. I don't know if that made any sense outside of my own mind but if nothing can fill the hole trying is a waste. And obviously these other things arent comforting....at least for long. So what are you so afraid of? Stop running from him and let him comfort u. Even if it isnt easy and does take work.
ReplyDeletei realized through what i have talked to my life group about today (fear and pain totally God lead btdubs) that I gave u shitty advice. Using God to simply cover the holes is fake Christianity that we hate, pretending ur fine when ur not. God does need to fill the holes but that takes a lot of crap on our part. We have to stop avoiding pain. It is in our nature to run from it but thats not what God wants. He wants us to live in our pain with him. Pure scary pain that no one wants to deal with. He wants us to bring him into our pain live in it with him and let him fix it. This is not a short process, no prayer to make it all go away, but a long tough walk with God. That is what makes our creator so amazing. He doesnt want us to ignore pain and just be happy with him. He wants us to live in our pain with him at our side, helping us crawl through those pipes filled with shit, til we finally see the light at the end. Don't give up.
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