A new me?

Be honest. Is there ever that voice inside of your head that screams at you? Not in a crazy, psychotic kind of way. It screams things that make sense. "Grow up!!!" or "What are you doing with your life??"

If you say no, I say bullpoopy. You are a liar. We all get that voice.

Well, last night that voice was screaming at me like no other. After a bit, it turned a lot angrier though, and I realized it became the voice of Satan.

"You are pathetic!!!"

"FAILURE!!!!!!"

"Psssh, you are WORTHLESS!!"

The old me? I would get sooo down because of that. Probably spend the night depressed and crying like an immature little child. The new me? The one that was changed on October 17? I became empowered. I wanted to punch Satan in the face with the Truth.

"I am far from pathetic. I am valued and loved in the eyes of God and my friends."

"I have failed before, but that does not make me a failure because I am LEARNING from my mistakes."

"I am worthless? Bahahahaha, look in the mirror."

It was so crazy to feel so empowered by what God showed me this weekend. I found myself being a warrior. Strong. It is crazy how God is changing me. But, dang, I am excited(:

I remember the days when everyone used to blog. Most my friends had some sort of social networking deal in which I could keep updated about their lives.

It is depressing when someone you were once so close with, you hardly talk to anymore. It begins to make you feel as though maybe they never really cared that much in the first place. Some people I guess just don't want to remain in my life that way.

R.I.P. to those friendships :(

Desert Song

"This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received I will sow."

To be moved by one persons testimony so much that it affects your life is something miraculous and a straight up blessing from God. I have been moved by a testimony from Jill McCloghry. She is a singer for Hillsong United. If you go to youtube.com and search 'Desert Song Story', you will be privileged enough to hear her testimony.

What I see from her testimony is a divine faith in God. She holds securely to His word and His promises. How easy is it for us to get discouraged and just give up and turn our backs on God? For me, it is the easiest thing for me to do. It is what I did for the majority of this summer. I entered this summer with so many expectations, to watch them all be blown out of the water. I sat back and witnessed my entire world crumbling into pieces as God did nothing. Or so I thought. See, the funny thing about that is, God did everything. Everything that happens happens for a purpose that a lot of the times we cannot begin to comprehend. The entire time I watched my world fall apart, I imagined God as this cold and distant being who was turning His back on me. My heart was completely torn apart because my Heavenly Father who was always supposed to love me was turning His back on me. But, the truth is, every time something else failed or fell apart, God was opening His arms even wider. God watched me be broken and watched everything disappear because I needed to know what it meant to only rely on God. I lost my reason for living, my reason for singing, my reason for worshiping. I felt alone and rejected, so I turned my back on Him like I thought He had turned His back on me.

It took one line from a song to fill me up with God's love. The line that is bolded, I know I'm filled to be emptied again. So, I am giving God my hand again, and I am ready to be filled and emptied again.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

Welcome to my funeral...

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou

"Who I am is not who I wanna be."

Why does God do the things He does? Am I even allowed to question His so-called plans? Why would He put someone through so much disappointment? Really, what good can that do?

I have a job interview with Torrid on Monday, and all I can really do is pray to God to bless me with this job.

My silly, youthful urges are surfacing once again in my life. Lately I have been writing a lot, singing, dreaming. As the song goes, "Every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights." I'm having these insane ideas again that I want to be famous. Why? I really thought I had moved past that. Realized that I lacked the potential needed to make it big time and accepted that I could affect people on a local level. Obviously not.

I even quit smoking. Like, I threw away an entire pack of cigarettes (almost full) in hopes of saving my voice.

Where is this coming from? It's poor timing.

Anyways, here's a life update. I am currently living at my best friends future husbands house. Confusing? I am working somewhere between 40-55 hours a week at McDonald's (I worked a 15 hour shift just yesterday). My phone = a goner. But here in an hour or so, I will be taking care of that and getting a new one. I am buying a car next week. I am going to this dealership called Donald's, and I'll be making payments on it for awhile. I am trying to find somewhere close to "home" to live, but I cannot afford to live on my own and I cannot seem to find anyone who wants to live with me. I started dating a new guy. His name is Nate. He is wonderful, mature, and sweet. He is going into the Navy.

So, there's a quick update, for those who read this (aka Samantha).

"A different city every night, oh yes I swear, the world better prepare for when I'm a billionaire."

So, you know those deep holes that you have in your heart? The ones that randomly bring you to tears and make you weak at the knees and just feel....empty? I think we all do. How do we rid this hole I speak of? I wish I knew for sure, because if I did I am sure I could make millions off of the solution. It would be so easy to say that God will fill all of those holes, but what if He doesn't? What if in the mind of God, is best for you to be 'holey'. (You're totally allowed to giggle at that horrible pun.)

The holes in me make me do such horrid things. I am always in search of a filler. So, I do stuff to make me "happy". I drink, I smoke, I casually hook up with guys, I lie, I steal, I cheat, I sin. These holes inside of me are massive, ones that are there from many a things. My parents, my real father, my first love, the guy who raped me, friends who have stabbed me in the back. My heart is so full of holes. And here I am trying to fill them with, well, sand. It seeps right through the holes. They may feel filled for a few moments, but the moment ends and I am wishing for it to be filled again.

So, where do I find this filler?? For now, I find myself wishing, wishing, wishing....

What is love?

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

11:11 rolled around tonight, and I found myself wishing for something deeper than I ever have. I found myself wishing for something deeper than I ever have. I found myself wishing for a real love, true, compassionate, and as close to unconditional as it possibly can be. Someone then pointed out to me that I may not have the best idea of what love is.

I want to find out.

Leaving Bowling Green never really seemed like an option. I thought I had found the place I wanted to stay for possibly for the rest of my life. I’d found the perfect community, the perfect church, the perfect school. But, it all spiraled down the drain as God changed my plans. Or did I change them? Heck if I know….

So, here I am now. Leaving BG, maybe never to come back (except for visits of course), and it is harder than I thought it would be. There is the huge part of me that is so ready to just get the hell out of here, hit the road, and never even look back. But then, a part of me is crying to stay and never leave the people here. Packing is much more depressing than I ever expected, and I am leaving with deep fear in my heart. What am I afraid of? you may ask. Are you ready for this?

1) I am afraid that I will not get a summer job. My parents have made it clear that if I do not get a job, I cannot live at home. I was promised a job at Wal-Mart, but personnel is being super shady. So, I am trying to get a job at this mom and pop pizza shop at home. Praying, praying, praying. God, help me out here!
2) Nate. Nathan Charles is the guy I am currently, er, um, “talking” to, I suppose. We are getting to know each other with the intention on dating one day. Well, when is that one day? I don’t freaking know. I am scared to heck of commitment right now after what happened with my last prick of a boyfriend (excuse me blogging world for my bitter words). Also, I am afraid of history repeating itself. My last relationship, I put my whole self into it. I gave him pretty much everything. Which wasn’t good enough. Apparently it was sooo not good enough that he had to go and have sex with my so-called best friend. Yeah, it’s a hot mess. But, nonetheless, I fear being “strung along” again. I fear that nothing will come of this. Luckily, I haven’t let the ex ruin my faith. I am stronger than I’ve ever been. He’s not stopping me any time soon. ;)
3) Invisible Children! For those of you who don’t know, I am involved with this organization and suuuper passionate about it. I have applied to be a Roadie for the Fall of 2010. This means that for 3 months I will travel with IC and spread awareness about what the heck is going on in Africa. I won’t know for a bit whether I got it or not, and the pressure of not knowing is KILLING me! It’s just hanging over my head. I really do not know what I will do if I don’t get it. My heart will be so crushed. I’m so scared, and I just want to do some good in the world.
4) School. This is the best I’ve done in school (this past semester, that is) which is horrible. I need to improve my grades. I’m going to community college next, which I really hope I do not screw up. I am not the kind of person who fails classes, but I managed to fail not one but TWO this semester. Grrrooowwwl. I feel so stupid, sincerely. I’m not even going to say what my GPA is, but I will say that it IS above a 1.0 :/ Yeah, so I fail. Literally.
5) Dieting. Ok, I love my curves like no one else. I do not plan on whittling down to the size of a chopstick. But, I would like to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. So, this summer, I will be eating in moderation, exercising daily, and drinking lots of water. I fear that I will do the opposite- sit at home all the time eating constantly out of boredom and gain the 23 pounds I lost this semester. Blehhhh.
6) Last but not least, money! I need to save up for much. Three things I need most are a) a car b) a laptop and c) rent money. I will be living in an apartment next summer with a friend, and it’d be really nice to have some money put back from that. I have a couple hundred put back now, which is going towards my car.

Sooooooooooo much is on my mind. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Interlude: Exodus

We are an empty people
Broken hearted, so oppressed
Wrists bound by chains
a life full of pain
a people with no chance

We bleed until we're empty
The blood shall run no more
We bleed until we're empty
Our blood will run no more


(Chorus)
There'll come a time when we'll win the fight
And we'll lift up our hands in praise
We'll cry out his name as we lift up our pain
for our Exodus

We bled and now we're empty
The blood shall run no more
No longer are we empty
'Cause all has been paid for


(Chorus)
There'll come a time when we'll win the fight
And we'll lift up our hands in praise
We'll cry out his name as we lift up our pain
for our Exodus

Part 1

She walked away from it, not wanting to look back.
Tears in her eyes, over her face a disguise, she didn’t dare turn around.
Ignorance is bliss, they said
so she took those words and ran with them.
She knew….
she thought….
she told herself…
she had no fighting chance to win.
The battle she fought was clearly lost
her life, her heart, one big, lost cause.
The victor wasn’t she, so her head she let fall.

It wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be
being alone in the world
a barren sight to see.
She did with it what she could. Consuming her time with something
anything
to fill the hole inside of her.
The hole was never filled, so she lost hope.

Her blood runs deep in her veins
as she cries out
every night
looking for an answer.
“Can you hear me?!"
The silence cuts her so deep
leaves her bleeding.

Tears in her eyes, as she hides behind a disguise
She walked away from it, not daring to turn back.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


My heart is broken. I didn't think this would ever happen to me. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who found the one on the first try. I put everything I had into the relationship, and I watched it fail.

I've spent the day listening to Missy Higgins on repeat (see song above) and crying in public. I cried on the bus, I cried at Chilli's, I cried in the computer lab. I have become that girl. I promised myself I would be strong, that it wouldn't get to me. Well, it got to me. I broke. And I have no clue what to do with myself, how to be, anything. I never understood the complexity of being broken hearted, and how much it really hurt me.I don't know what to do. I'm used to being held when I'm hurt, and now I have no one. My heart no longer belongs to me.

I don't know how to get it back....

Lead Me To The Cross.........

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the mention of your name.

Why is it that sometimes it takes the most simple thing to connect you back to God. You pray and plead for months to feel the spark again, and expect it at a big moment. You wait for it to hit you like lightning, a jolt through your heart. You expect it to be squeezed back into you, tight and leaving you breathless. But, instead, it is a small gesture from God, still leaving you breathless. It is a kiss on the cheek, it is Him reaching out and touching your hand lightly, Him whispering i love you into your ear.

That happpened to me tonight. See, we have this thing at our church called Souled Out. It happens monthly, and it is an extended time of worship and communion. Worship has always been how I connected with God. Without music, I'm not sure I would have ever knelt at His throne. Music has always been the way in which I connected, the way in which I understood. I wasn't intelligent with theology or scripture, I wasn't very humble, I sucked at extending grace to others, and I was as transparent as a pair of glasses on a person who just stepped inside from cold weather (those who wear glasses should totally understand this reference, for the rest of you it may be a little foggy ;) ). But music spoke to me, and I felt like I could speak to God through music. So, tonight starts off with a few songs I love. That is always the case with h2o (my church here on campus). Then, the beginning chords to a song I adore are struck. I believe they are C minor, E, F minor, G minor. I suck at chords, but I'm pretty confident on that. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. The song is Hosanna, and the chords ring deep in my being. Something begins to rise inside of me, and the words flow out of me as though the Holy Spirit has grasped onto my vocal chords and taken control. My feet begin to tap, and my hands begin to move in worship of my Father. My heart feeling so at peace, we sit down for the lesson: God in 3D.

We start off with Corey Reasonover, a blessing to my heart. He discusses the first D: Design (I know, it looks like a distressed face, and not an introduction to the first D, lol). He tells us all about how God is the infinite Creator of the universe, who loved us before He made us. Um, dang.

Then, Tomas Stewart, another blessing to my heart, discusses the second D: Devotion. Giving God glory in your day to day life. Doing my homework, because being a good student is glorifying my Christ. Waking up so I can live and share His love with my life. All of that great junk.

Finally we had Grant Rohlfer, he as well is a blessing to my heart, discussing the final D: Disaster (now, the distressed face is semi-appropriate here, lol). Basically, Grant says that throughout disaster, God is there for us. Some biblical examples are Job and Joseph.

All of the teachings clicked. It clicked. Now it was time for communion and more worship. Something struck me in my gut about communion. This was represnting Christ's body, which was broken for us and Christ's blood which was poured out for us. I reached for the bread and dipped it in the grape juice (we are in college people, no wine here). I took a step away from the table, took a deep breath, and fell to my knees in adoration and gratefulness of the sacrifices Christ made for me.

My heart full of love, warmth, and an undescribable feeling, I accepted myself as worthy. I accepted that I did deserve Christ, My heart full of joy and as light as a grain of salt, I stood to my feet and raised my hands as I cried out the words to song after song. I felt everything leave me, and I felt His arms wrap around me. I vaguely remember dancing, like a child. Do you remember what that feels like? To be so carefree, that you just dance, and twirl your skirt, and sing, and nothing else around you exists? I became a child again in the love of Christ. I became drunk on the Holy Spirit. I danced and sang at the top of my lungs, unashamed of what came out. Nothing could make me feel embarrassed about what I felt, what I sung, how loud I sung it, or how darn off key it was. God was standing next to me holding my hand as I sung, dancing with me in joy. Nobody could make me feel small.

I belted out the words that felt so right to my heart, "Jesus Paid It All".

I was a child tonight, for the first time in so many years. And when I say child, I don't mean immature and snotty, because that is how I am everyday. I mean carefree, open to being loved, needy, and innocent. Tonight, I let go. I threw my hands into the air, and reached out for God to hold me like the needy child I was.

Keep Holding On?

My life these past few weeks have been a series of extremely unfortunate events.

It all begins with me slipping into a dark and scary place in my mind, one that convinces me that I am not worth living. I begin to habitate in that scary place and befriend those who are keeping me captive there- the demons in my head. I begin to believe the lies being spoken and come up with some of my own. I lost sight of the person I knew I was before, and I started to become this scary Candace who was always on the brink of tears, who felt constantly worthless, and who at night took a broken razor and slid it deep into her wrists, hoping that the sight of my blood would slap me back to reality. I am aware that this is horribly morbid, and in no way am I saying I am proud of what I did. I am just relaying what happened. One night, I was on the phone with someone I really cared about, and I began to fear being alone. I no longer trusted myself. Before I was cutting myself just to feel something, to snap myself back to reality. Now, I was afraid that if given the opportunity, I would take that razor and follow the curves of my veins, hoping to break them open and watch the blood spill openly until it ran no more.

I called my best friend and informed her of this, and the decision was made that I genuinely needed help. Over the next week, I stayed with her for a few days and made a visit to the Mental Health Institution in my hometown. After carefully filling out a form, and being 100% honest, I was told that there were no empty time slots for me, even though on the paper I had admitted to my use of alcohol and drugs and to the fact that I cut myself. When the woman read this, she said loudly, "It says on here you've hurt yourself recently. How?" She lacked sensitivity, and just yelled my issues out to all the people sitting in the reception room.

I walked out feeling completely rejected, as though my problems weren't good enough for them to deal with right now. Over these next few days, my mom went through my room and read my blog and found out what was going on. Upon confrontation, she asked to see my wrists right in front of my 5 year old brother. That really hurt me because he is so young, and my parents are letting him see what is going on. I really feel like he is much too young to understand, and this will only blemish his image of his older sister. My parents showed me some sort of sympathy, telling me they'd be there for me if I needed it.

Guess what? That was over a week ago, and I haven't really talked to my mom since then. After getting into a fight over my boyfriend, they asked me to leave. Well, I left. They have yet to call to see if I have a place to stay or if I am okay. At a time like this, it really hurts to have that happen. It feels like the biggest form of rejection, because this is the time I need them the most. I know I am 19 years old, but all I need right now is for someone to just hold me tight and run their fingers through my hair as I cry out all of the hurt I've felt, and that has always been my mom's job. And now she is not longer in my life. Who is going to do that now?

I am at a point in my life where I feel completely rejected. I've been listening to the Glee version of Cindi Lauper's "True Colors" for almost an hour now on repeat.

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

I'm just so lost right now. I feel so lost and alone. I just want somewhere to go....