Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas?

There are numerous books and movies out there about the horrible, stereotypical monster-in-law relationships. Very rarely do we imagine that that will be our life.

I'm not married, but I am with a guy that I want to marry. And his mom is open to talk about the reasons she disapproves of me. I held my ground and maintained that I would not change myself to make this woman like me more. I felt like eventually she would grow to respect me for not caving. Things seemed to be looking up. She apologized to Alex (my boyfriend whom I want to marry) and said that maybe she was wrong, and even offered to take us to Olive Garden for the New Year. My heart was f
ull of joy. Until a text from him that shattered that joy.

The text reads, "so my mom apparently disapproves of you again... she questioned if your weight would impact your fertility... if we want to have kids".

I am a bigger girl. I am not a twig. I have hips and thighs and an ass. I am shapely and have always been (that is me to the right). I always grew up feeling like it was some sort of handicap. My dad was harsh about it, threatening to take pictures of me in my bathing suit and hang it over a mantel. He would tell me how a girl my size wouldn't find love. Just recently, I spoke with my Mexican grandfather in Texas whom I haven't spoken with in years. He asked me, "you still big or you pretty now?" I said, "Ummm...." and he responded with, "I bet you like 400 or 500 pounds now. Big girl. No fellas. Lonely life." followed by chuckles. My grandmother on my mom's side would constantly tell me how much prettier I could be if I just hopped on a treadmill.

I've spent my entire life being treated as though my weight was something bad. If I was fat, I couldn't be pretty. When I was fifteen, I began throwing up my food after every meal because of this disgust I felt with myself. I had begun to get into the point of my life where I was feeling like maybe I could be acceptable. Of course, I still struggled. Some days I'd love what I saw, other days I'd sit down and cry because I
could hear my father's voice in the back of my head. Glamour recently ran an ad that most people know as The Girl on Page 194. It was a picture of a girl who is size 12 naked (picture left). She is sitting down and her tummy rolls over and she has clear curves and definite meat on her bones. The reaction to that picture was more positive than anyone expected. Men wrote in to say how beautiful she was, how that was their ideal shape, not the size 0 models most magazines picture.

I was starting to feel like as a size 18/20, maybe I could be beautiful.

Maybe I could be accepted.

And then this. I don't know if it is because she is afraid of losing her baby or if she just genuinely does not like me, but it hurts. I try hard, I am only me and that is all I can ever be. But it is not good enough for her and her son. You know what? I am fat. F-A-T! What bothers me even more is if I lost all of my excess weight, she would probably still find something wrong with me.

It's frustrating. I never thought that I would be that girl, who has to deal with that mother.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Long, hard week.....

This past week has been one of the most emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining weeks of my life, and there are many factors why.

Factor #1: Paranormal Activity. Movies do not scare me, honestly. But, my brain does. So, the concept of demons and possesion is a concept that has always plagued me and made me feel a bit uneasy. So, I was under the impression that this movie was about ghosts. I hear 'paranormal' and I automatically think of ghosts, don't you? No man, this is about hardcore demon possesion. Set up in a Blair Witch Project-esque way, this faux documentary follows a couple that is dealing with an intense demon. So, after that night, my brain went on overload. The whole, "What if...?" scenario played over and over again, growing worse and worse with each scenario. It prevented me from sleeping, and when I do sleep I am plagued by horrible, realistic nightmares of spiritual warfare: me being choked by a demon, a demon persuading me to kill myself, etc. It has consumed my minds and my thoughts and I have lived this past week in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation, anxiety, and immense fear. I've been crabby and paranoid all week. I am constantly cutting people down, and fed up with what I consider trivial bullcrap, which is probably not what it is to other people. My patience and temper are short, and all these thoughts just keep seeping back into my mind. Now, I am thinking of "What if....?" situations in real life. What if I go home (factor #2) and can't get a job? What if people don't miss me when I'm gone? What if my boyfriend cheats on me because it is too difficult? What if it just doesn't work? Now, I am convinced that I am going to lose all of these people in my life, so I am pushing people out of my life.

Factor #2: In about 3 weeks, I am going home and staying there for nine months. My mom is not exactly the best as far as health goes, and I have volunteered to go home and stay with her. She is helping me buy a car, which is a big deal for me. I will have free rent and groceries, and be taking classes online. But, I am leaving behind the first community that has ever accepted me. The first community that has ever made me feel loved. This is where my best friend is, where my boyfriend is, where my home church is. And I am leaving it all behind and I am afraid that they will no longer be here when I come back. My dear friends will find someone to fill my spot, my boyfriend will find it too tough to do long distance and get with someone closer, my church will change and be different when I come back. It is more of those "What if....?" questions, I suppose. I only have a couple more weeks with these people, and I am so scared to leave. That has been my life; every time I get comfortable somewhere, change occurs. I feel like this is what is right, though. I have a horrible relationship with my family, and I am still bitter over lots of things that happened in the past, and I need to get over that. My older brother has moved to Texas and basically said good riddance to our family, and my younger brother is only 5 years old. It's been so hard only seeing him sporadically. I've missed out on my baby brother growing up. I didn't get to see him get on the bus for his first day of kindergarten. I want to leave these 9 months with having a great relationship with my family. I want to believe that my mom is my best friend again and know that she is proud of me.

Factor #3: Invisible Children. Man, I love doing work for this organization, but it is slowly killing me. As far as committment goes, the number is pretty low on people committing. I have to attend every meeting and lead them, head start the fundraisers, make flyers for them, for the organization, be at the events, e-mail people constantly. I try delegating duties, but when I ask who wants to do it, I am met with silence. So I take it. I am leaving in three weeks (isn't it annoying that factor #2 also fits into 1 and 3?) and I am so worried that the organization will fall to pieces and our goals won't be met. I am so worried about this, it is something else that is constantly consuming my thoughts. I feel like I am always doing some sort of work for Invisible Children. I am so passionate about this, and it really is consuming my entire life.

So, I am at this point where my brain is pounding, my throat is so contricted, and my body hurts from lack of sleep. I am really having a hard time with being happy right now, as hard as I try.

God, please give me strength. Please, please, please, please, please. And some encouragement and legitimate love would be great, too.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

All the old things are going to pass away.....

So, as far as it goes, I've been struck with a realization that I've needed for some time now. I am glad that I've heard it, but annoyed that it took me so long to do so.

If we're being honest, I've been through a lot in my life. I'm not going through my life story right now, but just know that shit has occured in my life. And because of all I've been through, I've certainly been broken about it. And whenever I've talked to people about what I am dealing with, I've always said something genericly Christian, like, "Oh, well God will take care of me." or "I mean, this is God's will.". And of course, people would just nod in agreeance, because it is the truth! I'm not upset that they agreed, but nobody told me what I really needed to hear.

So, here is how it happened: I was talking with my good friend Emily, whom I love so dearly and my heart is constantly hurting for her. She is going through a lot right now, and she was talking to one of our church staff members, and gave him one of those generic Christian answers. He responded with agreeing, but then saying, "....but, it must really hurt. It's okay to hurt."

No one has told me that.....

No one has said that it is okay for me to be hurt by everything that is going on, even though it really is.


So, this is my SO BIG realization, that I hope other people can realize. Sometimes, things are going to be really hard. And through that all, we are allowed to feel hurt over it. We are allowed to take time to heal. We shouldn't be expected to get over it right away, and if we are then that person is just wrong.

So, I guess it may not be that big to other people, but it has meant a big deal to my heart. I honestly cried for a good hour over it.

It really is okay to be hurt.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Nevermind me.....

It has been a little over a month since I have let my fingers meet with the keyboard to blog my thoughts and feelings, because I've got swept up in the notion that nobody cares. I am still convinced that no one does, but I feel like I somehow need to get these words out, lest my mind implode from all of the thoughts that are just crying to be released.


Have you ever gone to people's facebook profiles just to look at them, to see how absolutely beautiful they are, or how loved they are, or read about how well they are doing in school? Hell, maybe I am just a freak, but I will admit that I do it sometimes. It's on those days when I am so down that I don't even want to bring myself up, so I stare at pictures of thin, gorgeous, model-esque girls and tear up as I think about the hatred I have for myself. It is so unhealthy, I know. And I wish I could listen to the advice that I give others, but I am just so convinced on how unworthy I am. There has never been a time in my life where I have felt like I was worthy. I flunked out of college after being raped, I fell in love and was cheated on, I've felt so far away from the world. Back in the day, I know how my old self wouold deal with this. I would go into some dark place with a razor and let the running blood be comforting to me.
It was the one thing I could control. I could control how deep it was, which way it went, how long it was. I could even control how I felt about it. I could stop myself from feeling guilt and convince myself that I deserved it. It was my fault that this was happening, all my fault. I can't seem to control anything else in my life. I can't control how people feel about me, I can't control how they treat me, I can't control my depression, I can't control my weight, I can't control anything.

I want out. I want to escape, but I don't know what that means or what it looks like. I feel like things just continue to weigh down on me daily, but I need so badly to fix everyone else's problems before I can even address my own. I'm too selfless sometimes, to the point where I ignore what I need. I feel like I am dying emotionally and spiritually. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am praying to God that I can feel beautiful one day. No, not one day. Every day. I want to believe that I am beautiful everyday of my life, not wake up and be scared how I am going to feel when I look in the mirror. I want to not feel like I need to cut myself to be able to control something. This stops now. I am doing something about this.

I hope....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this, so from my thoughts I will exclude. The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. But that's not the way it works. No that's not the way it works.


Sometimes I wish I could sit down and write something deep and philosophical about the pain that I am going through. But then I realize, sometimes pain is just pain, and there is nothing deep and philosophical to be thought of it. I am in pain. I am hurt. I am down. And I feel like at those times when my heart is bleeding and I am aching with pains, that I get kicked even more. At those times when I feel like I cannot handle any more, more is thrown onto my plate. And what makes it worse is that I will not allow myself to really feel the pain.

Just this past Sunday, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break. Now, I know what you're thinking. We are broken up, right? Wrong. We are still in a relationship with each other, we are just taking time to be apart for now. Do you know how hard that is? Some of you do, because you have dealt, or are dealing with, long-distance relationships. I am beginning to feel that pain, and it is only Tuesday. There have been times when I have gone a few days without seeing him, and it didn't kill me. But on those days, I knew I eventually would see him. This is different. We have chosen not to see each other unless we have to, like for church and Bible study. My heart is bruised.

And then, we have this thing in my church called The Spring. Basically, you have to have gone through The Well to be in it, and you have the possibility to mentor someone. I had my hopes up, I will not lie. I felt like God was telling me I would get someone. I was ready to impart wisdom with someone, and cultivate a genuine grace centered relationship with them. I get up this morning to an e-mail saying that I have not been paired up with anyone. I know that there are plenty of other people who did not get paired up, but this was a major blow to my self-esteem. What was so wrong with me?

I'm completely alone at work. I am the only Christian in the sub shop, and all they ever talk about is partying and getting drunk. I get so frustrated that I have nothing to say. And my friends are in classes, so they are all consumed with school work. My days have become working and then waiting until the evening to see them. I feel so out of the loop and alone.

And here is the clincher. After I got home with meeting up with a friend last night, I realized something. I am going through an identity crisis. I have no clue who I am. How fucking scary is that? To say that after 19 years, the person you look at in the mirror is a complete and total stranger? I feel like I could just explode with everything I've gone through.


Now, this could be worse, and it is. I haven't allowed myself to cry. Not once. I keep feeling tears brim up in my eyes at the most inopportune moments. I've restrained myself from crying, and I don't know how much longer I can do this for. Right now I am sniffling like mad because I don't want one tear to spill, because if it does it will call the others to come with it, like a lone soldier calling their militia to fight.

Why do some people get it right right away? The whole Christian thing is easy for them. They accept His truth and next thing you know they are a leader. Why is it not that way with me? I accept and then struggle. I am always struggling. And to be quite honest, it fucking enrages me. It makes me want to pummel someone. Some of the tears I am holding back are also tears of anger, and I don't know how long I will be able to hold it all back for. I've been avoiding watching any movies with sad parts in them, which is almost impossible! All movies have at least one sad part. And I know that tiny part that is not supposed to cause overwhelming tears will do just that for me.

Where do I go? Where am I even at?

Do you hear me, God?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Why you should consider going vegetarian/vegan







One obvious reason for becoming a vegetarian is for the animals. You hear about animal cruelty all of the time and even with things being more strictly regulated, it will not stop factories from slipping through the cracks. It is so easy to find videos of abuse and animals being mistreated. Is it not sad that these animals were bred for death? Cruelty is still being exposed, it is just up to us to turn our cheeks the other way or actually acknowledge that it is still going on. Now, as for other reasons than the obvious, let’s talk about our planet.

Becoming vegetarian is one of the most important and effective actions you can take to ease the strain on our Earth’s limited resources, protect the planet from pollution, prevent global warming, and save countless species from extinction. Consider how much a waste of resources it is. Feeding large amounts of grain to farmed animals in order to produce a small amount of meat is an inefficient waste of limited resources. 70 % of the grains in the United States are fed to livestock. 70 freaking percent. Think about how much that is! We have people who are starving, and 70% of our grains go to livestock. It takes nearly 7 pounds of corn and soy to produce just one pound of pork. It takes 14 gallons of water to produce wheat, but 441 gallons to produce a pound of meat.
A groundbreaking 2006 United Nations report found that raising animals for food generates more greenhouse gases than all the cars and trucks in the world combined. According to another 2006 study done by researchers at the University of Chicago, most Americans can reduce more greenhouse gas emissions by becoming a vegan than they can by switching to a hybrid electric car.
So why does meat cause so much global warming? There are a number of factors. Here are a few:

Manure. The tens of billions of farmed animals of the world produce massive amounts of manure, which emit green house gases such as methane, nitrous oxide, and carbon dioxide.

Cow Burps. Ruminant animals such as cows and sheep also emit huge quantities of methane via burping and flatulence. Methane has 23 times the global warming potential of CO2, and the livestock industry alone is responsible for 37 percent of human-induced methane emissions.

Deforestation. Forests are being destroyed to make room for cattle to graze or to grow crops to feed livestock. When the trees are cut down or burned, the CO2 they store escapes back into the air.

Synthetic Fertilizer. Growing feed for farmed animals requires intense use of synthetic fertilizers manufactured with fossil fuels. This process emits a tremendous amount of CO2, and the fertilizer releases nitrous oxide – a greenhouse gas that is 296 times more potent than carbon dioxide.

Burning Fossil Fuels. The burning of fossil fuels releases CO2, one of the primary gases responsible for global warming. In addition to fertilizer manufacturing, the meat industry uses fossil fuels to heat the buildings that house the animals, to produce of all the crops to feed to the animals, and to transport, process, and refrigerate all of the meat. Cornell ecologist David Pimentel estimates that animal protein demands about eight times as much fossil fuel than for a comparable amount of plant protein.

Another huge factor for switching is the pollution that is caused by the factories and poultry farms. Factory farms produce run-off that pollutes our streams and rivers, endangering not only the water supply for humans but also harming delicate eco-systems. If you care so much about your planet, why don’t you do something about it? You don’t even have to stop eating meat completely. New fads such as Meatless Monday really do help this epidemic. According to Ed Ayres, "Pass up one hamburger, and you’ll save as much water as you save by taking 40 showers with a low-flow nozzle." If that isn’t enough for you, how about the healthiness of it?

“Vegetarian diets offer a number of nutritional benefits, including lower levels of saturated fat, cholesterol, and animal protein, as well as higher levels of carbohydrates, fiber, magnesium, potassium, folate, and antioxidants such as vitamins C and E and phytochemicals. Vegetarians have been reported to have lower body mass indices than nonvegetarians, as well as lower rates of death from ischemic heart disease; vegetarians also show lower blood cholesterol levels; lower blood pressure; and lower rates of hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and prostate and colon cancer.” --American Dietetic Association, June 2003 position paper

People claim a reason to not be a vegetarian is because of the lack of protein received. Many vegan foods are packed full of muscle-building protein, while being low in saturated fat and free of cholesterol. Tempeh, setain, and lentils are a prime example of this.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Time for Change

Tonight I will be presenting in front of 30 or so people about Invisible Children and Falling Whistles.

I am so nervous and excited, because I feel like for the first time in my life I could really have a part in making a difference somehow. No longer will I just sit back and watch as the world turns to shit. I want to really use the compassion I have in my heart to show the world that I care.

We are putting on a documentary about IC here at my school, and I am one of the people who is in charge of it. It is so nervewracking. I have such big plans for this, and for myself after I have completed this.



Gah.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I came to the conclusion that no one is just going to go look at a sigght because I tell them to. No matter how persuausve I think I can be. Instead, I have copied and pasted the story here.

First is the Invisible Children story of Africa's longest running war:

A HISTORY OF AFRICA’S LONGEST RUNNING WAR

The war in northern Uganda has been called the most neglected humanitarian emergency in the world today. For the past 23 years, the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) and the Government of Uganda (GoU) have been waging a war that has left nearly two million innocent civilians caught in the middle. The GoU's attempt to protect its citizens from this rebel militia has largely failed, resulting in an entire generation of youth that has never known peace.

The LRA rebel movement can be traced back to a woman named Alice Lakwena. In the 1980s, Lakwena believed the Holy Spirit spoke to her and ordered her to overthrow the Ugandan government for being unjust to the Acholi. Lakwena and her followers, known as the Holy Spirit Movement, gained momentum as resentment toward the government increased. When Lakwena was exiled and no clear leader of the movement was left, Joseph Kony, who claimed to be Lakwena’s cousin, took control and transformed Lakwena’s rebel army into the LRA.

Kony's LRA did not receive the same support as the Holy Spirit Movement from the Acholi people. With dwindling approval for their cause and heightened government offensives, the rebels resorted to abducting children and indoctrinating them into their ranks. It is estimated that more than 90% of the LRA’s troops were abducted as children.

In 1996, as a response to the LRA attacks in the villages, the Ugandan government forcibly evicted thousands from their homes, relocating them into overcrowded camps in hopes of providing protection. But over a decade later, roughly one million individuals still live in these camps and struggle to survive among the effects of abject poverty, rampant disease, and near-certain starvation.

In recent years more and more international attention has been focused on this crisis. In 2001, the US Patriot Act officially declared the LRA to be a terrorist organization - a huge step in drawing attention to the conflict and the atrocities committed by the LRA. In 2004, Congress passed the Northern Uganda Crisis Response Act, the first piece of American legislation to address this disaster. And in 2005, the International Criminal Court (ICC) issued arrest warrants for Joseph Kony and four of his top commanders.

Pressure from the international community (particularly from EU and Canada) combined with a strong desire to secure peace has brought the Government of Uganda and the LRA to the negotiating table on numerous occasions, though they have yet to find a peaceful resolution. The most recent talks commenced in Juba, Sudan in July 2006, and a Cessation of Hostilities Agreement was signed the following month.

In July 2007, in response to an increased concern for peace in northern Uganda by the American people, the US State Department appointed Tim Shortley to Senior Advisor for Conflict Resolution with his immediate focus on northern Uganda. This action solidified the US’s commitment to end this conflict peacefully. That same year, the United Kingdom bolstered their commitment to peace by allocating £70 million in aid, while Germany committed to a 25% increase in aid to Uganda by October 2010. Canada later became more than an international supporter of the peace process in February 2008 by joining the peace talks as an official observer (though the Canadian officer on the ground has since been removed from the region).

At this point in time, the Cessation of Hostilities Agreement has expired and Joseph Kony has failed to sign the Final Peace Agreement for a fourth time, proving his promises to be futile and ultimately disabling the peace talks. Uncertainty lingers, not only for the thousands displaced in northern Uganda but across the entire northeastern border region of DR Congo, South Sudan, and Central African Republic.

Since September 2008, hostility in the Orientale province in DR Congo and Western Equatoria in South Sudan has reached a feverish pitch. LRA attacks have become more frequent and hostile, provoking military action against the rebel group. In an unprecedented joint military operation, the governments of Uganda, DR Congo, South Sudan and the Central African Republic launched an attack on LRA strongholds within DR Congo. “Operation Lightning Thunder”, the name designated for the counteroffensive, was largely unsuccessful in light of both the failure to reach top LRA leadership and the onslaught of violence that followed.

One month later on December 24th, 2008, the LRA launched a retaliatory attack against the people of DR Congo. In apparent desperation and a renewed will to spread terror to DR Congo, the LRA murdered over six hundred and abducted more than one hundred and sixty children to fight amongst its ranks. More than 104,000 Congolese have been displaced since Christmas in attempts to escape the LRA forces.

As the motives of the LRA become more ambiguous and their crimes more horrific, Invisible Children remains committed to seeking sustainable solutions to foster an environment that encourages peace. We are supporting and equipping a generation ravaged by war so that they can finally know peace. Invisible Children addresses the need for access to education and economic development through innovative programs on the ground.


Now the story of Falling Whistles, concerning some of the children that are being abducted:
This is the story of a single day.
A single, shape-shifting, life-changing, perspective-altering, never.be.the.same.kinda day.
Originally I went to Africa to put shoes on kids' feet. My friend built a company grounded in giving and there I was, on the ground, giving.
After the shoe drop, I went wandering. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, sometimes safe, sometimes not. I wanted into the wild. And wild it was.
"It is not down in any map; true places never are." ~ Herman Melville
I yelled at thieving monkeys and saw Nelson Mandela yell from a stage. Cried in refugee camps and laughed during moonlight tribal dances. Witnessed a baby born and parents buried. Climbed south to the bottom of the world and headed north to see Ugandan kids become visible. Slept inside mansions and on mud, ate porridge and gazelle, fended off pickpockets, swam with otters and rarely stopped, showered or stood still.


For two months, there was death and destruction, failure and fear, adventure.wonder.motion. But all around was a pervasive hope moving steadily toward what could only be described as progress. Stories of change everywhere to be found.
Until I walked into the chaos of Congo. The so-called Democratic Republic of Congo, home to one of history’s deadliest wars. Strange circumstances led me to her doorstop, but there I stood ready to see what she might show my western eyes. The following is what they saw.
I hope to one day tell the story in full. For now, peek into this single chapter.


As I’m writing you, the sun is setting just over the central lake in Goma. My computer screen blurs. I cannot help the weeping that hinders my vision and falls on the keys even as I type these words.


Bob Dylan said something along the lines of "People tell me it’s a sin, to hold so much pain and hurt within." I suppose I’m wondering if they were right. We originally planned to spend the day tracking down the rebel leader Nkunda. We had arranged an armed escort to take us into his territory. However after speaking with a Congolese military journalist who had just returned from that area, we decided to postpone the trip.


He said the upcoming Peace Conference had infuriated Nkunda’s rebels and they had gone mad with drugs. He told us it didn’t matter who guarded us, the sight of our white skin would enrage them and they would fire. "Another day, but not this day" was his advice. We thought it prudent to take note.

Instead, we caught back up with the 5 boys that had just escaped two of the rebel armies.

Busco
Bahati
Serungendo
Claude
Sadiki


We found them in a filthy cell at a military encampment called Titu; a prison.


The boys had been forced to spend the entire night standing up straight. None of them were over 15 years old. None had ever chosen to fight. Still, they were being treated as Enemies of the State. Yesterday each of them were giving praise to God for their rescue from the rebels. Now they're wondering if the National Army is any different. It's a common problem here in Congo. There is more sexual violence here than anywhere in the world, but no signs that any one of the armies are any better or worse than another. All the soldiers rape. All the soldiers pillage.
All the people suffer. There is no refuge. Not the victim-side-of-a-gun anyway.



As we dug further, we discovered that the boys hadn’t eaten in 48 hours and had been beaten all night long. The soldiers forced them to blow up their cheeks and then punch them in. These boys, who have already been through a deep kind of hell, were trembling with fear.
Lindsay convinced me and we went to buy them food, clothes, shoes, soap and a toothbrush. Bare materials that grant us small dignity. They fell on the gifts like wolves, smiling, laughing and thanking God. The bones of their ribs showed through their rags as they ate. The bananas in their hands were the first non-rotten food they had eaten since they had last seen their families.


While we waited for the UN, who had promised to rescue them, we spoke with the boys individually. Each had been abducted. Plucked from their homes, schools or farms. Each had been tied up and beaten. Each had been forced to kill. Sadiki had been dropped in a hole, deep in the ground. Nearly 300 boys were forced into the ditch for 20 hours of the day. They sat and slept in their own excrement. Slowly, they awaited the other 4 hours of the day when they found themselves tortured and trained to fire a gun. Only to be dropped again into their own filth.


Many of us have heard the stories of child-soldiers. Invisible Children and stories such as A Long Way Gone have been groundbreaking in granting us glimpses into their tortured lives.
I had heard.known.cared. I had even reacted and raged. But when these boys told me of the whistle blowers, the horror grew feet and walked within me. Captured by Nkunda’s rebel army, the boys not big enough to hold a gun are given merely a whistle and put on the front lines of battle.



THEIR SOLE DUTY IS TO MAKE ENOUGH NOISE TO SCARE THE ENEMY AND THEN TO RECEIVE - WITH THEIR BODIES - THE FIRST ROUND OF BULLETS.
Lines of boys fall as nothing more than a temporary barricade. Those who try to flee are shot at from behind. The soldiers call it "encouragement" to be brave. Without a gun to protect themselves, the smallest boys are placed between the crossfire of two armies - forces fighting for reasons far beyond their ability to understand. WITH FALLING WHISTLES, THEIR ONLY CHOICE IS TO FEIGN DEATH OR FACE IT.


"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?" Am I even capable of doing anything to help such madness? Busco's the oldest of 8 children. Many times he watched that number dwindle to some soldiers petty fire. His only wish is to go back to his farm, because he's sure his parents need his help to raise the family. For quite some time, they have believed him dead. As with us all, the boys gained freedom from sharing their stories. Tears turned to smiles and smiles to laughter. Little in our respective lives was similar, but storytelling is strange and powerful. Surrounded by angry and onlooking guards, we found some small comfort in one another.


The only Rwandan of the group was sure that he had fought against Nkunda's army - the very same rebels that had abducted these Congolese boys. I asked if that made them enemies. He looked at me, laughed, and kissed Sadiki. "We are only boys. How can we be enemies?"
As the day turned to dusk, we all grew worried the UN wouldn't come to pick them up. Their hands and eyes betrayed their dread at staying yet another night, standing among these merciless guards.



We started making some calls only to discover that the UN had passed responsibility of the children to Unicef, who had then been turned away at the prison 4 times. The soldiers wanted the children to stay for another night of entertainment and weren't prepared to have them released. Lindsay hit the phonebook for some frantic politicking with our newfound connections. Finally both the Unicef and the UN trucks were admitted inside the Titu compound. I'm not sure what changed their decision. But I suppose I don't care. We quickly loaded the boys into the trucks as the soldiers prepared to block our exit. Just because the trucks had gained entrance didn't mean they'd allow them to leave.


Halfway through the camp they demanded the truck stop and empty out. Again, politicking and protesting with all the Americana authoritarian aristocratic animated attitude we could muster, the boys were finally allowed back in the truck and set free. Weeks ago they had each planned out their escape. Praying they'd be rescued from their mad dash out of Nkunda's camp. When the Congolese army picked them up, they thought their dreams achieved - only to be corrected by dark fist in the night. As we watched them leave Titu, we knew we were seeing their escape finally fulfilled.


The burden of their lives weighs heavy on me tonight. I close my eyes and see whistles falling from palm sized hands. And I haven't the damndest idea what to do about it. I have to share their story. But haven't a clue how to pull it off. I know simply that this cannot, cannot go on.
And I know we're gonna need a lot of help. From a lot of you. There is a Peace Conference starting tomorrow, regarding decades of war and millions slaughtered. Yet I’ve seen no other westerners. No American media. No Muzungus. Nothin. We are the land of the free and the brave and seem not to notice that the brave here have never been free. But today was a start. Five are safe at least.


It's a beginning I suppose.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

whistle blowers

Here is what I need people to do. I need people to research what is going on. I need people to be aware of the mass slaughtering that is happening in the world.

invisiblechildren.com

Go here first, and read the story. And then go on to:

fallingwhistles.com


Tell me this doesn't hit you at all. If it doesn't....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So, I just typed in the google search bar, "I am fat and...." to see what it would fill in and here is what came up:

*ugly
*need to lose weight
*depressed
*want to lose weight
*lazy
*disgusting
*I want to die
*pregnant
*unhappy
*miserable

Of course, I was really annoyed by this. Why is it that there are only negatives about being fat? Not one thing came up about being fat and beautiful. So, I guess that you cannot be beautiful if you are fat? Are you kidding me! Now, here comes the rant......

In almost all ancient civilizations, big was beautiful. Women with big hips, pillow like bellies and abundant bosoms were idolized, by the Romans, the Grecians, and even the Paleolithic Europeans. More flesh at the right places meant fertility. Fertility was surely important at a time when people mostly died of war, food shortages and pestilence, and average life expectancy maxed out at forty years. Even till a few hundred years ago, artists like Peter Paul Rubens liked their women well endowed. Women in real life till the end of the 1800s liked to exaggerate their assets through their gowns, nipping in only the waist.


And then there was a turn around. After the whole Coco Chanel thing and the flapper girls in the 20s, looking emaciated was hip. Designers followed this trend of course. These designers wanted fashion and clothing to have an otherworldly grace, and the ideal figure of thinness got superimposed on the existing concept of beauty. Despite a revival of curvaceous-ness in the 1930's and then again in the 1950's with Marilyn Monroe, the ideal female figure remained slim, and in the nineties became epitomized in the pre-pubescent (and gross) looks of the likes of Kate Moss.

Most women in the twentieth century fell for this image that denies a woman her earthy femininity, and makes her a twig. This image was fed by the fad diet and beauty industry worth billions, and women and even girls barely in their teens bought into it. In an age where life expectancy spiraled into the 90's a woman's fertility and hence her girth was no longer considered a priority.

What is more, it is the rich in the Western world that had access to diets, to organically grown food, to health spas, trainers and gymnasiums. The poor, brought up on ho-ho's and no home gym, usually could not afford to be as thin.

At this point it is probably useful to mention that most of the aristocratic women in Peter Paul Rubens's time were rather large, and so large was the norm for beauty. The "less privileged" women portrayed inFirst issue of Playboy with Marylin Monroe the paintings of Vermeer were not so well-fleshed: slim meant poor at the time. And sometimes in other countries, it is the same.

But in the end of the 20th century, it was the rich and powerful that could be thin and chiseled (mmmm.... the word chiseled makes me lust a little), so slim became the accepted standard of female beauty: slim meant rich. And women stepped with this baggage into the 21st century.

Interestingly, throughout these ups and downs in the world of fashion through the last century, where thin was more in fashion than out, curvy women have remained the constant theme of men's fantasies. Look at Playboy, and there has never been a stick-thin, skin-and-bones woman in sight. It is true that you don't see a size 18 woman often, but it is less often that you see a size 4.

Thin has been fashionable, but rarely has it been sexy. Men still prefer their women curved at all the right places. And what men rarely accept in public is that a lot of them are not averse to much, much more than curves.The 'hourglass' shape is always a plus.

A lot of men found Renée Zellwegger in her part as the plump Bridget Jones much more attractive than her skinny figure in Jerry Maguire. Moreover, this year there has been a turnaround in the world of fashion, with runways in Brazil and Italy refusing to admit underweight models. Curves are back in. Women like Manuela Arcuri and Valeria Marini are increasing becoming mainstream in terms of ideal body types.

Big women beauty pageants have begun to come up, and big women have begun to prove that spaghetti strapped tops and low cut jeans are not for the extra-slim alone. Jean-Paul Gaultier put a woman Italian size 50 on the ramp for his thirtieth anniversary celebration last October. Even in Italy where the fashion world usually shies away from bigger sizes on their clothes racks, there is a new acceptance of women who are not ashamed of earthy, well-rounded shapes.

The stick-thin models that are featured on magazines form about 1% of the population and people have begun to realize that it is time we celebrated the real women. The real women are not found in fashion magazines. We see them all around us, in their natural form without any artificial additions or subtractions, in all sorts of shapes and sizes on streets, in trains and restaurants. And most of them cut a bella figura, they are some of the most beautiful women in the world. They are also mostly women of substance, their beauty cannot be measured on the weighing scale.


Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah, Spokesperson for Plus Size models

I am accepting curves. I am so tired people telling me that I cannot be beautiful because I have huge hips, a big bottom, and curves. Screw that. So many women are going against the norm and being seen as beautiful. Queen Latifah, Nikki Blonsky, America Ferrera. So, what? I am a size 18 and. I do not feel the need to eat a diet of lettuce until I have whittled down to the size of a stick. Besides, if you had 2 presents, one tiny and whimpy and the other one nice and big, which would you pick?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My best friend is a bitch, and so am I.....

My best friend is someone I have known since 3rd grade. You know, one of those relationships that has withstood crazy trials. I moved away for two years and came back to my hometown, and she treated me as though I never left. She has accepted me from the beginning. She has become more of a friend to me, and she is family. She is home, she is my best friend. She loves me more than most people can even imagine. She offered me a home when my parents gave me the boot, she is harsh with me when I need it the most. The night when I found out the guy I liked was interested in my best friend, she let me sleep with her in her bed, and we watched 'A Walk to Remember' together as she played with my hair and let me sob in her bed. The night when I had a panic attack at a club, she drove me to my boyfriend, and let us go back to her room, and we all slept in her bed.

She has been with me through everything. She was the one who told me that everything my father said was a lie, and she was the first person who ever told me I was beautiful, and made me believe it. She is amazing. She has taught me so much about life, and some of her morals I find are much more admirable than anyone else's. I wish everyone in the world could know how great she is.

The thing about her (and I) is the defense mechanism used, of being crass and sarcastic, using wit as a weapon. We both fear rejection so much, that we turn into complete bitches. Here is my thinking; if someone chooses not to be friends with me, I will understand why. It is because I am a bitch. But, if I were to truly put myself out there as I am and someone were to reject me and still not want to be friends with me, I would be so hurt. And I believe this is why I love her so much.

She was the first person I was ever 100% myself around, and she still loved me. We say that humans cannot love unconditionally, and I agree, but I do believe that we can come pretty dang close. And she is the only one who has ever loved me as unconditionally as can be. I was stupid and she still loved me. I was a drunken whore and she still loved me. I was whiny and annoying, and she still loved me. She is the only person who has never asked me to change who I was. Everyone else has. Maybe not right out saying it, but hinting at it. Not Samantha.

We are both over-protective and we put up walls. This is truth.

I remember coming to BGSU as a freshman being so scared that no one would like me. I also remember feeling so lucky as to have my best friend going to the same school as me. If no one wanted to be my friend, I at least had her. And I still have her, and she still has me. For the rest of my life. She will never be able to get rid of me. I don't care if I make thousands of friends, no one will ever be like her. This is not to say that I do not love my other friends. Believe me you guys, I love you. But, I love her on a different level. I am 19 years old, and I don't know much about life at all. But, I do know that she is my best friend and will be for the rest of my life. I don't
know much at all about my wedding, but I do know that whenever it is, Samantha will be my maid-of-honor. Heck, at this point she is the only one I know of for sure that will be in my wedding! I keep expecting everyone else to just run from me!!!!!

She has never ran. I don't know why she still sticks around, but she does. It is crazy! I am crazy!! I don't care if we love 100 miles away or a few blocks away, we will not be shaken.

I believe that everybody should have one friend like her. Maybe not exactly like her. But, someone who loves them all the time, and who accepts them completely, and will cuddle with them if need be. Someon
e who won't leave you for their significant other (God knows I have had so many friends do that to me!). Someone who would drive 2 1/2 hours across a state if you really needed them. This is why she is my best friend, for now and always.



(I am blowing the whistle, Samantha has the construction hat on [:)


Saturday, August 8, 2009

A public apology


Do you know that point in a friendship where you get to know the person very well, and things seem like they can't get any better? And then as soon as you think that, it all begins to fall apart? That is going on right now with me, but it is not in just one friendship. I feel like it is in most of them. I feel like one of my friends is slowly withdrawing from me, one of them is leaving soon, one is always busy, one I am getting constantly annoyed by, and so many other things. I feel like I am slowly losing them. Everyday that goes by is one day closer to when we completely fall apart, or before they just up and leave me. I am getting so worried, and doubting whether I should let myself get attached to these people or not. Is there a point anymore?

I have gotten to the point where it is hard to hang out with them. Frustration fills the air and PMS becomes toxic like smog. Everyone unfairly bites off each others head. We are rude, we sneer at each other, and we roll our eyes as if to say, "drop dead." And we snap at each other because of being annoyed. And, believe me, I am not trying to point fingers at anyone. I know that I am far too sensitive, yet at the same time co
mpletely cruel to everyone else. I was raised in an environment where love was shown to me by criticism and mean jokes. So, of course, this is how I know how to show love. But, honestly, who feels loved by someone who is constantly down sizing you?

I learned today what a lying, fake, hypocrite I am. I have a friend who I am mean to. I am not mean to her because I don't like her. I am mean because that is how I show love. But, I can tell that I hurt her when I say the things I do. She always looks like I just stabbed her with my words, but I just roll my eyes and tell myself she is way too sensitive. Then, there is this guy who I feel is always talking down to me, always condemning me. I address it, and he says he can't help it, that is just the way he is. I think that the way he is hurts me though. And then I get punched in the face. That is exactly what I do to my other friend! WHAT THE EFF?!?!?!


I hate hurting my friends. Shoot, I hate hurting anyone. I want to be sensitive and caring and loving and all those good qualities. But, I am uuber defensive, more afraid to be hurt than a lot of people would understand, I am completely misunderstood, and I always feel so dang defensive. How can anyone stick around? I see now why friends are slowly inching away from me. It makes total sense.

This is a public apology. I'm selfish, impatient, and really insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and I am u
sually hard to handle. I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has its own zip code and I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. Seriously, stay away during that time. I am loud, and always feel the need to overcompensate for everything. I show love in the most awful ways, but expect it back in cuddling and hugs and comforting words. I am a hypocrite, fake, judgmental. I get annoyed way too easily and I have the patience of a small child. I have an issue with violence, and sometimes I have to clench my fists really tight so I don't start swinging. I could sum this all up with saying I am flawed. Sincerely flawed. And I am sorry for being a complete and total bitch.



Friday, August 7, 2009

The Epic Dinner with the Parents....

Tonight was a big night, the night I met Alex's parents. We have been dating for 3 1/2 months now, and things are starting to get serious, and the "m" word is being thrown around. Can you guess what the "m" word is? Anyways.

Tonight, I met the Waltons. And, I don't mean the television show family, although to humor the coincidence, I put a picture of the Waltons up. Aren't I funny? (Please tell me you can hear the sarcasm dripping from that?)

I was incredibly nervous. To start things off, they were late. Seriously late. And I am a nazi when it comes to being on time. So I was basically freaking out. Luckily for me, 3 of my friends came over to chill me out. Just the presence of Matthew, Nate, and Liz made me feel so much better.

So, finally Alex shows up. I am about to vomit on his shoes. He addresses my attire, complimenting me and telling me I look beautiful. He definitely got some boyfriend points there. We prepped for a few minutes. And by "prepped" I mean he told me over and over that it would be alright and that they would love me. More points for him. He is a wonderful beau. [:

I walk out to the parking lot, and his father steps out of the vehicle to greet me. "You must be Candace? It is so nice to meet you." Of course, I have to scan him to see what he is like. He is a taller man, with a very broad build. He has sandy shaded hair that is colored with age. He looks like a man of stature, someone whom you should respect. I shake his hand and give him a warm, and sincere, smile. He has a nice shake. Good grip, but still tender because it is a ladies hand he is shaking. We chat briefly, and then I get into the vehicle. In thus said vehicle is his mother and his nephew. First, the nephew.


I am sure most of you have made the assumption that the kid in the picture to the right is the nephew, and if you have made that assumption then you are correct. His name is Aiden and he is 2 years old. He was a bit sleepy when I first got in, but I feel like he warmed up to me. He sure did love the chips and sals
a at El Zarape. He kept saying about his milk, "It makes my tummy coooolllldddd." It was so darn adorable. I kind of wanted to keep him. He was so darn well-mannered. He minded his own, didn't talk too much, never threw any tantrums. For a 2 year old, I feel like he defys the stereotype of the Terrible Two's. He made me miss my younger brother dearly, but just being in his presence definitely warmed my heart. He has been raised well, and it seems as though he really appreciates his grandparents. He didn't talk to me all too much, but he did stare and smile at me alot. I feel like this is probably a good sign.

Now, on to Jeanie (the mother). Boy, does this women know how to ask some questions! After her little grilling session, she would probably be able to write a novel about me! But, all jokes aside, she was a wonderful woman. I could tell that she genuinley cared about Alex, especially since he is her baby. I know she wants him to be with the right girl, and I honestly respect that. All I want her to see though is how much I truly love him. I don't know how she felt about me, but I was 100% honest and open about myself. I didn't say anything to impress her, I didn't lie or stretch the truth about what was going on. I admitted that I have seen some tough times, but also said that I would not trade my life for anything and I am more than pleased
with where I am right now. During the questions, I made small talk with his father, and I found myself growing fond of him. He is a simple man (and I do not say that in a belittling way) who really seems to appreciate a lot of things. We talked about him sailing, a little bit about politics, and just random things about where I was from and Cincinnati. He was very kind and gentle, and I can see why he would be such a respectable man.

Then, was the tough part. Really saying goodbye. And his parents were right there. I promised myself that I would NOT cry in front of his parents, and I surprisingly held myself together. Actually, thinking about it, I have yet to cry about it. I almost did in Subway, but I pulled myself together and told myself that I will see him soon enough, and that I really have nothing to worry about. I know that people have gone much longer without seeing their loved ones, so I have no right to complain. I just know that it will be hard. I have been spoiled by his touch, by his love, by his heart. Whenever he smiles at me and says, "You know, you really are the perfect girl for me" it just makes me feel so incredible. And, I think I almost died the other night, because he said the cutest/funniest thing ever. I made a comment about how he has become a much better kisser since I have known him (which has been for almost a year now), and he said something like, "I try." And then he went on to say (paraphrased), " I am getting much better as I grow. I can just imagine, by the time you are 90, I will take your breath away. I will kiss you and you will be like *cough cough* because of my kiss. Then I will step back and realize I am actually stepping on your air tank."

It is little things like that that make me love him. haha. And, I can totally make it for these few weeks. I have a feeling this will be one of my only sappy blogs, so don't get used to it. I am not a huge fan of being a sapster, so I apologize if anyone is annoyed by it.

Thanks for tuning in this week. And if you're reading this Alex, I love you. [=

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace Maria [:


Thursday, August 6, 2009


Holy moly, tonight is a big night. Tonight is the night where I meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. MIERDA! My entire insides have been shaken up since I woke this morning. First, I had to say goodbye to him, because he is going home for 2 weeks. After he left, I became such a woman. See, for those of you who don't really know me, I pride myself on having a "small vagina" as me and my friends call it. I am not like most women, honestly. I grew up with mostly males as friends. So, after he left, I layed on the ground for like 20 minutes and cried. Oh man, do I hate crying. And it wasn't the good cry, either. It was so unattractive. I just thought about how I would go two weeks without staring into his blue eyes, or without his amazing bear hugs, or his random kisses on the forehead. And that was the time my vagina grew, and I was a major woman. So, I cried for a bit, and then ended up crying myself back to sleep. Yeah, it was pretty lame. I can admit to that.

Well, I woke up and began to get ready for the day, as panic mode set in. I started going through my clothes, and I couldn't find anything good enough to wear. Ugh, this is too casual. Yikes, this is much too skankalicious! Ew, I look fat in this. Oh, wait, I am fat. It was so dumb. I mean, in the first place, we are going to a cheesy Mexican restaraunt called El Zarape. Don't get me wrong, this place rocks. But it is still cheesy, as are most American attempts at a Mexican restaraunt. And just so you know, employing Mexicans to work there so DOES NOT make it authentic.

So, I am at the point of no return. I just keep pictuting the first interaction between myelf and the Waltons (no joke, they are the Waltons). I see me extending my hand to Greg, saying "Nice to meet you." And then I imagine him sneering down at me, thinking of me as trash. I have this fear (probably irrational) because Alex and I come from much different worlds. Seriously. I was raised in Section 8 housing, him in much nicer areas. I had many family issues growing up, and he has a great family that has always promised to take care of him. I come from a very liberatarian home, his is most likely more conservative. He doesn't show his emotions much, and I wear them on my sleeve. Shoot, I think I might wear them even more out there then my sleeve.

The fact of the matter is, him and I are complete opposites. I have tattoo's and piercings, I am loud, somewhat obnoxious, poor, a college drop out (who is enrolled back in school, thankyouverymuch). I fear being inferior, not being good enough for his family. The big issue is is that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, so his family HAS to approve of me. I am just under so much pressure right now.

Dang it, I need a cigarette.

And I promised myself that I would spend the entire day preparing. No Facebook, no e-mail, no blogger. Well, that one failed right away. I needed to get out my fear. And to make matters worse, I have Alex's annoying friend Vidas randomly IM'ing me. Where is Alex? Why isn't he answering his phone? Can you try calling him for me? It is important. I am about to strangle this kid. Okay, I need to get off my bum, and get moving. He will be here in an hour and a half, and I must look my best. I have come down to the decision that I am not wearing make-up. I never wear it on a daily basis, so I want them to get an idea of what I am really like.

Now, where is that cigarette?



Monday, August 3, 2009

Oh, how I love Aladdin....


Don't you love how sometimes you can find deeper meanings in movies that are meant to be for children ages 6-12? Believe me, so do I. Growing up, my top 3 favorite Disney movies were 1) The Little Mermaid 2) Anastasia and 3) Aladdin. I have seen the movie Aladdin at least 20 times in my life, but for the first time tonight, I heard something that I had never heard before. If you have seen the movie, there is no need for me to describe in full the scene, but I do not want to assume that everyone has seen this amazing movie. So, picture this: Aladdin has just saved two small children from getting whipped by some nasty prince, and the prince criticizes Aladdin, saying that only the fleas would mourn him when he was gone. Aladdin goes on to sing the lines, "Riff Raff, Street rat, I don't buy that. If only they looked closer, would they see what I see? No siree, they'd find out there's so much more to me." My mind was blown when I realized what Aladdin had just sung. And I felt for him. I cried for like, 10 minutes over a fictional cartoon character. But, if you're close to me, you might understand that my spiritual gift is mercy, so it makes sense. When I think about how badly I want people to dig and find me, and accept me, I get 10 kinds of emotional. I become a woman truly then. I cry, and sob, so severly that the snot begins to drip from my nose, as the tip begins to get more and more pink, and my eyes become puffier as the seconds fly by. If anyone tells me I am cute in this state, I may just rebuke them.

I am trying to learn a few things in my life right now, a big one was something I discussed during my last epic blog. I am sorry for my avid readers (if there are any) for not updating sooner, but a) I felt like I had said A LOT during my last blog, and I wanted ya'll calm after my overwhelmingness and b) there were cookies that wer
e not allowing me to go to blogger.com and I was too lazy for a few days to go through the mess (which was about 30 seconds) to allow the cookies. Yes, I can be semi-pathetic sometimes. Hmmmm, I just went on some sort of epic ramble right there. Some insight on the mind of Candace Maria, that is. [=

So, another thing I am hoping to learn is how to truly accept love and grace from others. One thing that kicks me in the gut is when I feel like I am not worthy of grace from other
s. See, I struggle with accepting grace in general. I cannot be gracious towards myself, and I sho 'nuff struggle with accepting it from God. But, then I think about Jesus. Why did He come and die on that cross? Why is it that the only perfect one who ever walked this earth, shed blood for me? A big reason is because when that blood was shed, and when He was nailed to that cross, after that was the first time that grace entered many Christians vocabulary. We learned what true, unconditional, 100% guaranteed love looks like. And it looks like death. It makes sense, because a way for us to show love to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ is to lay our lives down for them. To die daily is
how we show love to christ. When we die to our flesh.


So, what is
this big thing that I am trying to get through my head. A great quote from another movie I love. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." (Moulin Rouge) I am always claiming that I am a lover. I say how much I love to love other people. I consider myself an encourager. But, where it gets tricky is the fact that I refuse to accept love from the people around me. I push it away and pretend it is petty and fake, and tell myself not to get my hopes up. No one can truly love me in that way. Only God. He loves me for who I am, and He is the only one who will accept me. Humans, I mean they're cool to hang out with and all and sometimes I think they are quite entertaining. But, do I honestly feel like they will love me even if I were to blow up a children's hospital? No, I don't. And that is a major issue! I cannot accept the love and grace that people keep extending my way. I say, "Um, yeah. Thanks, but.... no thanks."

I want to allow love in my life. I want it to flow, and for me to not try so hard to just love others. I want to get it through my head that p
eople do want to love me. And I think the reason I feel people don't want to love me is for 2 main reasons. Reason number 1: My father. He abandoned me, abused me, and despised me. He hurt me dearly, and did not want to love me, even though he was my father. He was the man who had a huge deal in creating me. But, he wanted nothing to do with my existance except abuse me and tell me how worthless and ugly I was. And reason number 2: The fact that I was raped. I am starting to learn that being raped has an affect on parts of my life that I would never think it did. I was raped by someone I trusted, which hurts. It impaired my idea of all of those people in my life that I had trusted.

I know I am going to continue to struggle, and it will not be anytime soon that I will just accept everyone's love. I need to know th
at people do love me, though. This is what I am searching for. I want to know that I am loved. I need that affirmation. And, I do know that not all people say that they love me through using words. Some people do it through physical touch or acts of services, or maybe affirming me, telling me that my hair looks cute today (although, I will be completely honest. I am still so horrible at accepting compliments, and I apologize in advance for how I act, because I will most likely just roll my eyes and say thanks.)

I just looked back through this blog, and I realize why I try to blog as not oftne as possible. I feel like after I blog, and if anyone does read it, they will probably just sit in a dark room for 2 1/2 hours, not wanting to think because of how much junk I have hauled on them. That is fine. I say what m
y heart speaks, and I am letting God prune me so that I may begin to grow some beautiful fruit. [=

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,

Candace Maria

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I'm on the up and up....

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

Life is going so much better that I could ever expect it t
o be. I am not going to say that I got some huge job or all of my financial situation still figured out. All I know is, I am going to be alright. I will be!

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong

And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

I love this song so much. It is Up and Up by Relient K. It is weird for me to be listening to such a happy song, for I am quite ill right now, but I feel like being joyous. Look at what I have! A home, great friends, an amazing church, a beautiful boyfriend, and a fantasmastical God. :]

I am getting hours in at the Psychology Building on campus, making me $10 an hour. Also, I got a 2 week apartment cleaning stint where I make $8.25 an hour. My fi
ngers are crossed that I can get my rent paid for the month. And it would be nice if I could make a little extra for groceries.



How did this change come about? Well, my last post was about my horrid story. When reflecting upon it later, I realized that everything that had happened to me had ruined my life. I let everything ruin me. I am going to put in here what I wrote in my journal...

**************************************************************************

July 22, 2009

"I had no control over what Byron did that night. But what happened the next morning, what will happen every morning for the rest of my life, that's up to me. I think people can choose to be victims or they can choose to be empowered and carry on. That's what I want. To be empowered."
~Annie Mills in "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things"

I have chosen to be a victim for 19 years. I claim that what I went through has made me stronger, but have I really let it strengthen me? Or have I continued to let myself be victimized as I have this pity party in life? Yeah, so I've been through a lot of shit. Does that mean I should let it all ruin my life? Why do I feel the need to show sorrow over my brokenness? God has given me a beautiful testimony. I was raised in an emotionally and physically and sometimes sexually abusive home, where my father was always reminding me I was ugly, and worthless, and his biggest mistake. My mother left him for a severe alcoholic, and soon became one and a drug addict. I
watched as my older brother sold drugs, my mother wasted all of her money, and got us evicted. We jumped from house to house, sometimes going days without food or showers. I became suicidal and then an intense people pleaser, and that stereotypical girl at parties who would do anything to please others. My real father told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I came to college and continued on with my drunken promiscuity. After I was saved and tried to change my life, I was raped by someone I trusted. And no, it wasn't my fault. You can argue that since I was innebriated or whatever that I made that decision, but law says that a person should a) be completely and 100% sober to make that decision and b) actually say, "Yes, this is okay." I was not sober nor did I say yes. I was raped. Do not tell me that this is my fault, because God knows my heart and He knows what happened. I spiraled into a deep depression, and I quit on Christ. I let it ruin me.

Why? Shouldn't everything I have been through strengthened me? I should, but instead I let myself fall apart. I kept giving everything up to God, telling Him that He can take
care of it for me, but never willing enough to actually face the things I have gone through, with God holding my hand and guiding the way.


God has put a lot on my heart, like what it truly means to heal. And also, I feel like more people need to be educated about this. I am going to pray, a lot. I have been thinking about starting a non-profit organization that travels around from school to school and talks to students about being careful, educating them on the statistics, and about rape.



My life is finally turning around, and God is holding my hand.I am on the up and up. :]