A public apology

Do you know that point in a friendship where you get to know the person very well, and things seem like they can't get any better? And then as soon as you think that, it all begins to fall apart? That is going on right now with me, but it is not in just one friendship. I feel like it is in most of them. I feel like one of my friends is slowly withdrawing from me, one of them is leaving soon, one is always busy, one I am getting constantly annoyed by, and so many other things. I feel like I am slowly losing them. Everyday that goes by is one day closer to when we completely fall apart, or before they just up and leave me. I am getting so worried, and doubting whether I should let myself get attached to these people or not. Is there a point anymore?

I have gotten to the point where it is hard to hang out with them. Frustration fills the air and PMS becomes toxic like smog. Everyone unfairly bites off each others head. We are rude, we sneer at each other, and we roll our eyes as if to say, "drop dead." And we snap at each other because of being annoyed. And, believe me, I am not trying to point fingers at anyone. I know that I am far too sensitive, yet at the same time completely cruel to everyone else. I was raised in an environment where love was shown to me by criticism and mean jokes. So, of course, this is how I know how to show love. But, honestly, who feels loved by someone who is constantly down sizing you?

I learned today what a lying, fake, hypocrite I am. I have a friend who I am mean to. I am not mean to her because I don't like her. I am mean because that is how I show love. But, I can tell that I hurt her when I say the things I do. She always looks like I just stabbed her with my words, but I just roll my eyes and tell myself she is way too sensitive. Then, there is this guy who I feel is always talking down to me, always condemning me. I address it, and he says he can't help it, that is just the way he is. I think that the way he is hurts me though. And then I get punched in the face. That is exactly what I do to my other friend! WHAT THE EFF?!?!?!


I hate hurting my friends. Shoot, I hate hurting anyone. I want to be sensitive and caring and loving and all those good qualities. But, I am uuber defensive, more afraid to be hurt than a lot of people would understand, I am completely misunderstood, and I always feel so dang defensive. How can anyone stick around? I see now why friends are slowly inching away from me. It makes total sense.

This is a public apology. I'm selfish, impatient, and really insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and I am usually hard to handle. I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has its own zip code and I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. Seriously, stay away during that time. I am loud, and always feel the need to overcompensate for everything. I show love in the most awful ways, but expect it back in cuddling and hugs and comforting words. I am a hypocrite, fake, judgmental. I get annoyed way too easily and I have the patience of a small child. I have an issue with violence, and sometimes I have to clench my fists really tight so I don't start swinging. I could sum this all up with saying I am flawed. Sincerely flawed. And I am sorry for being a complete and total bitch.