All the old things are going to pass away.....

So, as far as it goes, I've been struck with a realization that I've needed for some time now. I am glad that I've heard it, but annoyed that it took me so long to do so.

If we're being honest, I've been through a lot in my life. I'm not going through my life story right now, but just know that shit has occured in my life. And because of all I've been through, I've certainly been broken about it. And whenever I've talked to people about what I am dealing with, I've always said something genericly Christian, like, "Oh, well God will take care of me." or "I mean, this is God's will.". And of course, people would just nod in agreeance, because it is the truth! I'm not upset that they agreed, but nobody told me what I really needed to hear.

So, here is how it happened: I was talking with my good friend Emily, whom I love so dearly and my heart is constantly hurting for her. She is going through a lot right now, and she was talking to one of our church staff members, and gave him one of those generic Christian answers. He responded with agreeing, but then saying, "....but, it must really hurt. It's okay to hurt."

No one has told me that.....

No one has said that it is okay for me to be hurt by everything that is going on, even though it really is.


So, this is my SO BIG realization, that I hope other people can realize. Sometimes, things are going to be really hard. And through that all, we are allowed to feel hurt over it. We are allowed to take time to heal. We shouldn't be expected to get over it right away, and if we are then that person is just wrong.

So, I guess it may not be that big to other people, but it has meant a big deal to my heart. I honestly cried for a good hour over it.

It really is okay to be hurt.

Nevermind me.....

It has been a little over a month since I have let my fingers meet with the keyboard to blog my thoughts and feelings, because I've got swept up in the notion that nobody cares. I am still convinced that no one does, but I feel like I somehow need to get these words out, lest my mind implode from all of the thoughts that are just crying to be released.

Have you ever gone to people's facebook profiles just to look at them, to see how absolutely beautiful they are, or how loved they are, or read about how well they are doing in school? Hell, maybe I am just a freak, but I will admit that I do it sometimes. It's on those days when I am so down that I don't even want to bring myself up, so I stare at pictures of thin, gorgeous, model-esque girls and tear up as I think about the hatred I have for myself. It is so unhealthy, I know. And I wish I could listen to the advice that I give others, but I am just so convinced on how unworthy I am. There has never been a time in my life where I have felt like I was worthy. I flunked out of college after being raped, I fell in love and was cheated on, I've felt so far away from the world. Back in the day, I know how my old self wouold deal with this. I would go into some dark place with a razor and let the running blood be comforting to me.

It was the one thing I could control. I could control how deep it was, which way it went, how long it was. I could even control how I felt about it. I could stop myself from feeling guilt and convince myself that I deserved it. It was my fault that this was happening, all my fault. I can't seem to control anything else in my life. I can't control how people feel about me, I can't control how they treat me, I can't control my depression, I can't control my weight, I can't control anything.

I want out. I want to escape, but I don't know what that means or what it looks like. I feel like things just continue to weigh down on me daily, but I need so badly to fix everyone else's problems before I can even address my own. I'm too selfless sometimes, to the point where I ignore what I need. I feel like I am dying emotionally and spiritually. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am praying to God that I can feel beautiful one day. No, not one day. Every day. I want to believe that I am beautiful everyday of my life, not wake up and be scared how I am going to feel when I look in the mirror. I want to not feel like I need to cut myself to be able to control something. This stops now. I am doing something about this.

I hope....