You're everything....

Week 1, Day 1
How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?


I want vulnerability. I crave to be weak, but be okay with my weakness. Is that too much to want? It is hard, yes. People are constantly telling us that it is wrong to be weak, being weak means you're a loser. And in this society, losers are not acceptable. It all comes back to being good enough. Growing up, boy or girl, we need to know that we are good enough. We need to know that we are loved and accepted. Anyone who says they don't want that is lying.

So, some people may be reading this (if anyone at all reads this at all) and wondering what I am getting at. This summer is going to suck for me, because I am out of my comfort zone. I am away from all of my closest friends, and I have been forced to get to know people who only weeks before were mere strangers. I have had deep talks with people whom I never would have guessed. I have spent most, if not all, of my nights in an apartment besides my own, staying up late at night crying with these people, sharing my life with them, growing with them, and learning to sincerely love them.

I look back to myself only a month ago, and it is crazy what I expected of this summer. So far, none of the things I expected to happen have happened. So what do I want from my summer?

I want to be able to know and love who I am.
I want to be accepting of being vulnerable.
I want to be able to be weak, and also be accepting.
I want to be able to extend grace not only to others, but especially to myself.
I want to let down all of my walls with God, and maybe even with others.
I want to further my spiritual walk with my Lord.

So, throughout my walk, I am going to be journaling about the tough times, which I will try to find joy in, even though I know how tough it is, and how I can share ALL of my feelings with God, even the ones that some people would say are bad. People, there is no such thing as a bad emotion. I promise you.


So, come in. Walk with me. This is a journey I am inviting you into.


Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace

Dirty and Left Out.....

I do not even know right now if I can go on any longer. I feel like I may a) be writing these blogs to myself and b) always speaking to myself. No matter what lately, I only feel alone. I don't even feel God at my side anymore. And it is not fair to anyone else in my life. Why should I put them through my crap?

So, I am so angry with God right now, after everything I've been through. And, I don't even know if I have a purpose. WHO AM I WRITING TO?!?!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow....

I am not really sure why life happens the way it does. All I know is that God randomly throws us a curveball, and we are expected to just pick our feet up and keep walking. Sometimes it can be honestly annoying. What is really expected of me? It is difficult to always be the strong one who just takes everything in stride, who can brush junk off and continue to live. Sometimes I wish I could let myself feel.


These past few weeks have had so many ups and downs, and I feel so drained. I am struggling to live, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was asked a question last night at Waffle House. My friends are odd and we have really deep conversations at random places. He asked, "What breaks your heart?"

Of course, my immediate response was that my heart broke for those who didn't feel welcomed in the church. Of course, this does really break my heart, but that was not a completely honest answer. What really breaks my heart? I have been reading Ezekiel 16 a lot lately, a chapter in the Old Testament about Jerusalem's Unfaithfulness. He uses the metaphor of a child growing up to be a beautiful woman. At birth, no one wanted her. They threw her into a field and planned on killing her, but he took her in and raised her as His own. He made her beautiful and gave her luxurious jewelry, and she used that to prostitute herself. She gave herself up to men, she commited idolatry, and she even sacrificed her children. Basically, the people were horrid. They deserved death, yo! Why didn't he just blast us away?!

It is because He so badly wanted a relationship with me. He knew that if He blasted those peeps away, He may never have had a relationship with me. And look at the way I treat Him some time. I have been reflecting big time on this, and I have a lot to evaluate.

On a much lighter and happier note, Alex and I's one month anniversary is Tuesday. :)

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace

Wake Up

Over these past weeks, my mind has been continually racing with the most absurd thoughts, and I have been thrown into what most people would refer to as the "real world". It is time for me to grow up and become an adult, and it is scary as heck. I have spent a lot of time in thought, always feeling so drained, whether it be emotionally or physically or both. I have been thinking a lot about Alex, my boyfriend. 

This is him. He is wonderful, and strong, and amazing. I am not blogging to rant and rave like some infatuated teenage girl. He has just been on my mind a lot. I get to spend some time with him this summer, and that is very exciting. But, at the same time, I will be on a roller coaster of emotions during this summer. I so badly want to get my life together and figure my junk out. I have been so frustrated lately with my life, and I am trying hard to get it back together. Here I am wondering if I should go on meds to fight the PTSD or if I should just battle this demon on my own. 

Also, I really miss my mother. Sincerely. I don't know if she will be reading my blogs, but I do miss her. You know, it is weird that we ignore most everything our parents tell us, angry because we want to live our life to our own accord. But, looking back, I realize how right her and Ricky were most of the time. I miss them, and my baby brother Brandon so much. I am going to have a breakdown soon, and I wonder which poor soul will be there to pick up the pieces. 

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,

Candace Maria

 

Saying goodbye....

What does it mean to be a friend? To love someone selflessly? This, I cannot 100% answer. What I can tell you is at this university I have seen a little bit of this. I won't be writing much tonight, just updating and saying that my heart is sad. I am saying goodbye to some people who have selflessly loves me during this school year, and I will go 3 months without seeing any of them.


What the heck am I going to do???

The year of insanity

If you were to look back at this past year, and see the things I have went through. You would wonder if maybe it was all from a movie or a book. You know how some people have nightmares about their college experience? Most of those nightmares came true for me. I don't really feel the need to go into detail, but the fact of the matter is, this year hasn't been the easiest. 

So, here I am ready to enter into my summer after freshman year. I am suffering with PTSD, or what some know as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I wasn't joking when I said this year has been intense. I had so many plans for this summer at the beginning of the year, like working at McDonald's, going camping with friends, going to Cedar Point for the first time. Then, God blew that all up and told me I was going to something called Leadership Training in Virginia Beach. I was so excited to get out of Ohio and be at the Beach and escape. I started support raising, and then things fell through. It finally hit me what exactly had happened this year, and where I was going this summer. In desperation, I prayed to God and asked Him to tell me where I was meant to be. I stumbled upon Psalm 23:2 (Oh, how I adore the book of Psalms.) "He makes me lie down in green pastures...."This was my sign that I was supposed to stay in Bowling Green. 

I was devastated. My heart was so set on getting the hell out of here. This was the place where some horrible things have happened, and if God was calling me to stay here, then I could no longer escape it. What the hell was I supposed to do here? How could God want me to stay here? Yes, I have an AMAZING community at church, but that was it. I didn't have any motivation for life, and I basically lost my zest. I still haven't found it.

Why am I writing this? Not so you can listen to me complain, if anyone even reads this. But, documentation is great. And, I will be honest, sometimes I don't know of my capability to write everyday. But, I am on the computer everyday. Blogging is perfect. I need some way to get stuff out, and really go through what is going on in my life. I have wanted to do a blog for sometime now, maybe even 2. One that is personal about my life and one that is motivational, for others to read. I really don't know yet. But, here I am, at the beginning. This is the beginning of the grieving process for me. It will be long, and dark, and hard. I will need all of the encouragement I can get, and especially all the prayer. 

This may get annoying, but this is really for me. Who knows, maybe someone will be interested in what I have to say about life? 

Until next time. 

Peace, love, and chimichangas. (That is my signature conclusion)

Candace