I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this, so from my thoughts I will exclude. The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. But that's not the way it works. No that's not the way it works.


Sometimes I wish I could sit down and write something deep and philosophical about the pain that I am going through. But then I realize, sometimes pain is just pain, and there is nothing deep and philosophical to be thought of it. I am in pain. I am hurt. I am down. And I feel like at those times when my heart is bleeding and I am aching with pains, that I get kicked even more. At those times when I feel like I cannot handle any more, more is thrown onto my plate. And what makes it worse is that I will not allow myself to really feel the pain.

Just this past Sunday, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break. Now, I know what you're thinking. We are broken up, right? Wrong. We are still in a relationship with each other, we are just taking time to be apart for now. Do you know how hard that is? Some of you do, because you have dealt, or are dealing with, long-distance relationships. I am beginning to feel that pain, and it is only Tuesday. There have been times when I have gone a few days without seeing him, and it didn't kill me. But on those days, I knew I eventually would see him. This is different. We have chosen not to see each other unless we have to, like for church and Bible study. My heart is bruised.

And then, we have this thing in my church called The Spring. Basically, you have to have gone through The Well to be in it, and you have the possibility to mentor someone. I had my hopes up, I will not lie. I felt like God was telling me I would get someone. I was ready to impart wisdom with someone, and cultivate a genuine grace centered relationship with them. I get up this morning to an e-mail saying that I have not been paired up with anyone. I know that there are plenty of other people who did not get paired up, but this was a major blow to my self-esteem. What was so wrong with me?

I'm completely alone at work. I am the only Christian in the sub shop, and all they ever talk about is partying and getting drunk. I get so frustrated that I have nothing to say. And my friends are in classes, so they are all consumed with school work. My days have become working and then waiting until the evening to see them. I feel so out of the loop and alone.

And here is the clincher. After I got home with meeting up with a friend last night, I realized something. I am going through an identity crisis. I have no clue who I am. How fucking scary is that? To say that after 19 years, the person you look at in the mirror is a complete and total stranger? I feel like I could just explode with everything I've gone through.


Now, this could be worse, and it is. I haven't allowed myself to cry. Not once. I keep feeling tears brim up in my eyes at the most inopportune moments. I've restrained myself from crying, and I don't know how much longer I can do this for. Right now I am sniffling like mad because I don't want one tear to spill, because if it does it will call the others to come with it, like a lone soldier calling their militia to fight.

Why do some people get it right right away? The whole Christian thing is easy for them. They accept His truth and next thing you know they are a leader. Why is it not that way with me? I accept and then struggle. I am always struggling. And to be quite honest, it fucking enrages me. It makes me want to pummel someone. Some of the tears I am holding back are also tears of anger, and I don't know how long I will be able to hold it all back for. I've been avoiding watching any movies with sad parts in them, which is almost impossible! All movies have at least one sad part. And I know that tiny part that is not supposed to cause overwhelming tears will do just that for me.

Where do I go? Where am I even at?

Do you hear me, God?

Why you should consider going vegetarian/vegan

One obvious reason for becoming a vegetarian is for the animals. You hear about animal cruelty all of the time and even with things being more strictly regulated, it will not stop factories from slipping through the cracks. It is so easy to find videos of abuse and animals being mistreated. Is it not sad that these animals were bred for death? Cruelty is still being exposed, it is just up to us to turn our cheeks the other way or actually acknowledge that it is still going on. Now, as for other reasons than the obvious, let’s talk about our planet.

Becoming vegetarian is one of the most important and effective actions you can take to ease the strain on our Earth’s limited resources, protect the planet from pollution, prevent global warming, and save countless species from extinction. Consider how much a waste of resources it is. Feeding large amounts of grain to farmed animals in order to produce a small amount of meat is an inefficient waste of limited resources. 70 % of the grains in the United States are fed to livestock. 70 freaking percent. Think about how much that is! We have people who are starving, and 70% of our grains go to livestock. It takes nearly 7 pounds of corn and soy to produce just one pound of pork. It takes 14 gallons of water to produce wheat, but 441 gallons to produce a pound of meat.
A groundbreaking 2006 United Nations report found that raising animals for food generates more greenhouse gases than all the cars and trucks in the world combined. According to another 2006 study done by researchers at the University of Chicago, most Americans can reduce more greenhouse gas emissions by becoming a vegan than they can by switching to a hybrid electric car.

So why does meat cause so much global warming? There are a number of factors. Here are a few:

Manure. The tens of billions of farmed animals of the world produce massive amounts of manure, which emit green house gases such as methane, nitrous oxide, and carbon dioxide.

Cow Burps. Ruminant animals such as cows and sheep also emit huge quantities of methane via burping and flatulence. Methane has 23 times the global warming potential of CO2, and the livestock industry alone is responsible for 37 percent of human-induced methane emissions.

Deforestation. Forests are being destroyed to make room for cattle to graze or to grow crops to feed livestock. When the trees are cut down or burned, the CO2 they store escapes back into the air.

Synthetic Fertilizer. Growing feed for farmed animals requires intense use of synthetic fertilizers manufactured with fossil fuels. This process emits a tremendous amount of CO2, and the fertilizer releases nitrous oxide – a greenhouse gas that is 296 times more potent than carbon dioxide.

Burning Fossil Fuels. The burning of fossil fuels releases CO2, one of the primary gases responsible for global warming. In addition to fertilizer manufacturing, the meat industry uses fossil fuels to heat the buildings that house the animals, to produce of all the crops to feed to the animals, and to transport, process, and refrigerate all of the meat. Cornell ecologist David Pimentel estimates that animal protein demands about eight times as much fossil fuel than for a comparable amount of plant protein.

Another huge factor for switching is the pollution that is caused by the factories and poultry farms. Factory farms produce run-off that pollutes our streams and rivers, endangering not only the water supply for humans but also harming delicate eco-systems. If you care so much about your planet, why don’t you do something about it? You don’t even have to stop eating meat completely. New fads such as Meatless Monday really do help this epidemic. According to Ed Ayres, "Pass up one hamburger, and you’ll save as much water as you save by taking 40 showers with a low-flow nozzle." If that isn’t enough for you, how about the healthiness of it?

“Vegetarian diets offer a number of nutritional benefits, including lower levels of saturated fat, cholesterol, and animal protein, as well as higher levels of carbohydrates, fiber, magnesium, potassium, folate, and antioxidants such as vitamins C and E and phytochemicals. Vegetarians have been reported to have lower body mass indices than nonvegetarians, as well as lower rates of death from ischemic heart disease; vegetarians also show lower blood cholesterol levels; lower blood pressure; and lower rates of hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and prostate and colon cancer.” --American Dietetic Association, June 2003 position paper

People claim a reason to not be a vegetarian is because of the lack of protein received. Many vegan foods are packed full of muscle-building protein, while being low in saturated fat and free of cholesterol. Tempeh, setain, and lentils are a prime example of this.

Time for Change

Tonight I will be presenting in front of 30 or so people about Invisible Children and Falling Whistles.

I am so nervous and excited, because I feel like for the first time in my life I could really have a part in making a difference somehow. No longer will I just sit back and watch as the world turns to shit. I want to really use the compassion I have in my heart to show the world that I care.

We are putting on a documentary about IC here at my school, and I am one of the people who is in charge of it. It is so nervewracking. I have such big plans for this, and for myself after I have completed this.



Gah.