Meet me at the well.....

I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this, so from my thoughts I will exclude. The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. But that's not the way it works. No that's not the way it works.


Sometimes I wish I could sit down and write something deep and philosophical about the pain that I am going through. But then I realize, sometimes pain is just pain, and there is nothing deep and philosophical to be thought of it. I am in pain. I am hurt. I am down. And I feel like at those times when my heart is bleeding and I am aching with pains, that I get kicked even more. At those times when I feel like I cannot handle any more, more is thrown onto my plate. And what makes it worse is that I will not allow myself to really feel the pain.

Just this past Sunday, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break. Now, I know what you're thinking. We are broken up, right? Wrong. We are still in a relationship with each other, we are just taking time to be apart for now. Do you know how hard that is? Some of you do, because you have dealt, or are dealing with, long-distance relationships. I am beginning to feel that pain, and it is only Tuesday. There have been times when I have gone a few days without seeing him, and it didn't kill me. But on those days, I knew I eventually would see him. This is different. We have chosen not to see each other unless we have to, like for church and Bible study. My heart is bruised.

And then, we have this thing in my church called The Spring. Basically, you have to have gone through The Well to be in it, and you have the possibility to mentor someone. I had my hopes up, I will not lie. I felt like God was telling me I would get someone. I was ready to impart wisdom with someone, and cultivate a genuine grace centered relationship with them. I get up this morning to an e-mail saying that I have not been paired up with anyone. I know that there are plenty of other people who did not get paired up, but this was a major blow to my self-esteem. What was so wrong with me?

I'm completely alone at work. I am the only Christian in the sub shop, and all they ever talk about is partying and getting drunk. I get so frustrated that I have nothing to say. And my friends are in classes, so they are all consumed with school work. My days have become working and then waiting until the evening to see them. I feel so out of the loop and alone.

And here is the clincher. After I got home with meeting up with a friend last night, I realized something. I am going through an identity crisis. I have no clue who I am. How fucking scary is that? To say that after 19 years, the person you look at in the mirror is a complete and total stranger? I feel like I could just explode with everything I've gone through.


Now, this could be worse, and it is. I haven't allowed myself to cry. Not once. I keep feeling tears brim up in my eyes at the most inopportune moments. I've restrained myself from crying, and I don't know how much longer I can do this for. Right now I am sniffling like mad because I don't want one tear to spill, because if it does it will call the others to come with it, like a lone soldier calling their militia to fight.

Why do some people get it right right away? The whole Christian thing is easy for them. They accept His truth and next thing you know they are a leader. Why is it not that way with me? I accept and then struggle. I am always struggling. And to be quite honest, it fucking enrages me. It makes me want to pummel someone. Some of the tears I am holding back are also tears of anger, and I don't know how long I will be able to hold it all back for. I've been avoiding watching any movies with sad parts in them, which is almost impossible! All movies have at least one sad part. And I know that tiny part that is not supposed to cause overwhelming tears will do just that for me.

Where do I go? Where am I even at?

Do you hear me, God?