Long, hard week.....

This past week has been one of the most emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining weeks of my life, and there are many factors why.

Factor #1: Paranormal Activity. Movies do not scare me, honestly. But, my brain does. So, the concept of demons and possesion is a concept that has always plagued me and made me feel a bit uneasy. So, I was under the impression that this movie was about ghosts. I hear 'paranormal' and I automatically think of ghosts, don't you? No man, this is about hardcore demon possesion. Set up in a Blair Witch Project-esque way, this faux documentary follows a couple that is dealing with an intense demon. So, after that night, my brain went on overload. The whole, "What if...?" scenario played over and over again, growing worse and worse with each scenario. It prevented me from sleeping, and when I do sleep I am plagued by horrible, realistic nightmares of spiritual warfare: me being choked by a demon, a demon persuading me to kill myself, etc. It has consumed my minds and my thoughts and I have lived this past week in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation, anxiety, and immense fear. I've been crabby and paranoid all week. I am constantly cutting people down, and fed up with what I consider trivial bullcrap, which is probably not what it is to other people. My patience and temper are short, and all these thoughts just keep seeping back into my mind. Now, I am thinking of "What if....?" situations in real life. What if I go home (factor #2) and can't get a job? What if people don't miss me when I'm gone? What if my boyfriend cheats on me because it is too difficult? What if it just doesn't work? Now, I am convinced that I am going to lose all of these people in my life, so I am pushing people out of my life.

Factor #2: In about 3 weeks, I am going home and staying there for nine months. My mom is not exactly the best as far as health goes, and I have volunteered to go home and stay with her. She is helping me buy a car, which is a big deal for me. I will have free rent and groceries, and be taking classes online. But, I am leaving behind the first community that has ever accepted me. The first community that has ever made me feel loved. This is where my best friend is, where my boyfriend is, where my home church is. And I am leaving it all behind and I am afraid that they will no longer be here when I come back. My dear friends will find someone to fill my spot, my boyfriend will find it too tough to do long distance and get with someone closer, my church will change and be different when I come back. It is more of those "What if....?" questions, I suppose. I only have a couple more weeks with these people, and I am so scared to leave. That has been my life; every time I get comfortable somewhere, change occurs. I feel like this is what is right, though. I have a horrible relationship with my family, and I am still bitter over lots of things that happened in the past, and I need to get over that. My older brother has moved to Texas and basically said good riddance to our family, and my younger brother is only 5 years old. It's been so hard only seeing him sporadically. I've missed out on my baby brother growing up. I didn't get to see him get on the bus for his first day of kindergarten. I want to leave these 9 months with having a great relationship with my family. I want to believe that my mom is my best friend again and know that she is proud of me.

Factor #3: Invisible Children. Man, I love doing work for this organization, but it is slowly killing me. As far as committment goes, the number is pretty low on people committing. I have to attend every meeting and lead them, head start the fundraisers, make flyers for them, for the organization, be at the events, e-mail people constantly. I try delegating duties, but when I ask who wants to do it, I am met with silence. So I take it. I am leaving in three weeks (isn't it annoying that factor #2 also fits into 1 and 3?) and I am so worried that the organization will fall to pieces and our goals won't be met. I am so worried about this, it is something else that is constantly consuming my thoughts. I feel like I am always doing some sort of work for Invisible Children. I am so passionate about this, and it really is consuming my entire life.

So, I am at this point where my brain is pounding, my throat is so contricted, and my body hurts from lack of sleep. I am really having a hard time with being happy right now, as hard as I try.

God, please give me strength. Please, please, please, please, please. And some encouragement and legitimate love would be great, too.