I'm on the up and up....

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

Life is going so much better that I could ever expect it to be. I am not going to say that I got some huge job or all of my financial situation still figured out. All I know is, I am going to be alright. I will be!

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

I love this song so much. It is Up and Up by Relient K. It is weird for me to be listening to such a happy song, for I am quite ill right now, but I feel like being joyous. Look at what I have! A home, great friends, an amazing church, a beautiful boyfriend, and a fantasmastical God. :]

I am getting hours in at the Psychology Building on campus, making me $10 an hour. Also, I got a 2 week apartment cleaning stint where I make $8.25 an hour. My fingers are crossed that I can get my rent paid for the month. And it would be nice if I could make a little extra for groceries.



How did this change come about? Well, my last post was about my horrid story. When reflecting upon it later, I realized that everything that had happened to me had ruined my life. I let everything ruin me. I am going to put in here what I wrote in my journal...

**************************************************************************

July 22, 2009

"I had no control over what Byron did that night. But what happened the next morning, what will happen every morning for the rest of my life, that's up to me. I think people can choose to be victims or they can choose to be empowered and carry on. That's what I want. To be empowered."
~Annie Mills in "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things"

I have chosen to be a victim for 19 years. I claim that what I went through has made me stronger, but have I really let it strengthen me? Or have I continued to let myself be victimized as I have this pity party in life? Yeah, so I've been through a lot of shit. Does that mean I should let it all ruin my life? Why do I feel the need to show sorrow over my brokenness? God has given me a beautiful testimony. I was raised in an emotionally and physically and sometimes sexually abusive home, where my father was always reminding me I was ugly, and worthless, and his biggest mistake. My mother left him for a severe alcoholic, and soon became one and a drug addict. I watched as my older brother sold drugs, my mother wasted all of her money, and got us evicted. We jumped from house to house, sometimes going days without food or showers. I became suicidal and then an intense people pleaser, and that stereotypical girl at parties who would do anything to please others. My real father told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I came to college and continued on with my drunken promiscuity. After I was saved and tried to change my life, I was raped by someone I trusted. And no, it wasn't my fault. You can argue that since I was innebriated or whatever that I made that decision, but law says that a person should a) be completely and 100% sober to make that decision and b) actually say, "Yes, this is okay." I was not sober nor did I say yes. I was raped. Do not tell me that this is my fault, because God knows my heart and He knows what happened. I spiraled into a deep depression, and I quit on Christ. I let it ruin me.

Why? Shouldn't everything I have been through strengthened me? I should, but instead I let myself fall apart. I kept giving everything up to God, telling Him that He can take care of it for me, but never willing enough to actually face the things I have gone through, with God holding my hand and guiding the way.


God has put a lot on my heart, like what it truly means to heal. And also, I feel like more people need to be educated about this. I am going to pray, a lot. I have been thinking about starting a non-profit organization that travels around from school to school and talks to students about being careful, educating them on the statistics, and about rape.



My life is finally turning around, and God is holding my hand.I am on the up and up. :]

Broken...

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The Story of Pesephone...

This is a story that has been very encouraging to me. I do not believe in Greek mythology, but the story is beautiful in a way I will explain after the story as been told. *Author's note: This is paraphrased. I put this in my own words and had fun with it.


A long time ago in ancient Greece,there was a beautiful young goddess called Persephone. Persephone loved pretty things like flowers and butterflies and sunshine. She was sweet and kind and loved by many, her mother Demeter (the goddess of harvest) included.

Now Hades (the god of the undead) was very in love with her and wanted her hand in marriage, but this girl wanted nothing to do with him. See, Hades was very upset by this because home boy is used to getting what he wants. After all, he is a scary man. So since she wouldn't give herself to him, he decided that the only way for him to obtain this beautiful woman is through force.

One day Persephone was out all alone, minding her own business and picking flowers, enjoying the beauty of the world. She was so happy and so swept up in the gloriousness of it all, she didn't even notice Hades sneaking up on her. He snatched her up and took her down to where he lived in the underworld. There, he took advantage of her, and he forced her to be with him, and he raped her.

When Demeter noticed that Persephone hadn't come home that night, she began to panic. She went out the to the field and found a pile of flowers that her daughter had been picking scattered on the ground. Next to that was a footprint that was much to big to be her beautiful daughters. So, Demeter headed to Zeus, the big man in charge.

"Zeus, do you know what has happened to my daughter? Has someone taken her? Please tell me!"

"Er..." Zeus said uneasily. "Ummm...." He twiddled his thumbs. Zeus knew that Hades had taken her, but he really didn't want to get involved in this situation. Also, he didn't really want to break the news to Demeter.

"Tell me where she is right now!"

"Okay, okay! Hades has taken her to the underworld to be his bride..."

"His bride?! My poor baby doesn't want to marry that nasty old man. Do something right now."

"Iight, you be trippin' woman. Me, the king of gods, taking orders from the goddess of harvest? Yeah, that's cute."

In anger, Demeter rushed out of that junk, and stormed the place her daughter had been abducted. She saw the flowers that just reminded her of her Persephone. She decided that she didn't want to see anything pretty until her daughter had returned, so she let all of the harvest die. She let everything get very cold, and turn to nothing.

Zeus was getting upset because a) none of his gods could eat well and were complaining and b) since things were dying, he was receiving no sacrifices. So he called Demeter back to him and made her a deal.

"Alright, I am not getting my sacrifices, so I am upset. If I get back your daughter, will you bring everything back?"

"Yes, of course I will!"

"Okay, I will go this Tuesday."


"False! You will go NOW!"

Zeus hopped off his thrown and headed down to the underworld.

"Look Hades, you need to give this chick back because I am a beast and I say so, mkay?"

"Fine... let me go get her."

Hades went and found Persephone and told her that she was going to be able to return home to her mother.

"But, first, before you go, I want you to eat this pomegranate. It is the best in the land, my gift to you."

"I am way too excited to eat!"

"But, please, if anything eat a few seeds. They are fantasmastical!"

"Umm... alright." She ate a few seeds, and they headed up to Zeus.

"Alright, Persephone. Are you ready to go?"

"I can't." she answered, sounding scared.

"You didn't eat anything did you?!"

"Yes, I had some pomegranate seeds." Hades began to laugh maniacally, because he knew he was a tricky bastard.

"How many did she eat?"

"Only 6..."

"Okay, well that means for every seed she ate, she will have to stay here for a month... For now I am takign her."


So, that might seem like a depressing story, but what I love about it is that she was a survivor of rape. I am coming to the terms that at this point in my life, I am a rape victim. I am ready to move from a rape victim to a rape survivor.


I found the picture below on postsecret.com and I was extremely inspired by it. So, this is what I am working on right now. I want to no longer be a victim, but a survivor.








Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace Maria :]

Invisible

I started to write like, 3 different blogs. I don't know what the heck I am feeling right now. All I know is I feel so alone, so invisible, so uncared for, and so stupid.


This short blog is to say I am angry, I am hurt, I am upset. And, honestly, there are so many people who I am hurt by and have been hurting by, and they don't even know it. I am so sensitive. You may not think so because I am boisterous and apparently I take everything with stride?? And I let people think that, even though I cry myself to sleep all the time. I know I should tell the people that have hurt me that they have done so, but I feel so dumb for some of the reasons I am hurt.


All I know is, right now I just feel so alone and I just want to curl up into a ball and die....

Father God, I'm prayin' to you for somebody, who knows you Lord but just hasn't, hasn't been seein' you in the right view lately, Hear me out...

Father, I'm prayin' for a friend he and I are pretty close, and out of all my friends for this one I'm concerned the most. He say he readin' daily but he ain't really learnin'. He been in church but say that he ain't moved by any sermon. His face weak, he ain't prayed in a week, he wake up and just weep with his face in the sink Lord, you gotta help my man, I'm prayin' for him daily, he ain't sinned but it just seem as if he goin' crazy. He say he feelin' trapped, can't even head up the mall coz every lady's half-dressed temptin' him to lust and fall. He keep the TV off, videos just make him feel that he ain't really nothin' without money, girls and shiny wheels. The other day he told me that he felt less a man coz he ain't have a five-year plan or a piece of land and man it's crazy coz his family think so much of him, plus he got a godly wife who always showin' love for him but he's strugglin', even though he talk to me, I tell him what to do but he don't listen when he oughta' be. I'm scared for him coz there's people that look up to him, he got some younger siblings who been changed by what he's done for them but is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me, is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me...

Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, I'm prayin' for you
Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, yeah, I'm prayin' for you...

God, his condition is worsen since we were last conversed and I'm with him now and he ain't doin' well and this I'm certain. He say he tryna' trust you, doesn't wanna disgust you but he was in the mist of sinners and did not discuss you and just today his anxiety's got the best of him, he knows Christ but for hours refuse to rest in Him, he's not the best of men but Lord I know he really loves you and I can't understand why lately he's not thinkin' of you. People trust this dude, you could crush this dude, Father he needs more of you I pray you touch this dude, what can I say to him? I'm determined to pray for him Father empty and brake him I pray you'll just have your way with him, coz there's a change in him and the effects are strong, I pray you open up his heart before the next song and when he gets home, I pray he'll open up the sixty-six book love letter you wrote and soak it up coz he ain't hearin' You and he ain't feelin' me and God I know it's killin' You because it's killin' me and matter of fact there's somethin' else he's concealin' see, the person that I've been prayin' about is really me...

Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, I'm prayin' for you
Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, yeah, I'm prayin' for you...



Really read through those lyrics. For now, this will be all I post. I feel like this really hits me where it counts, my heart.