I'm on the up and up....

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

Life is going so much better that I could ever expect it to be. I am not going to say that I got some huge job or all of my financial situation still figured out. All I know is, I am going to be alright. I will be!

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

I love this song so much. It is Up and Up by Relient K. It is weird for me to be listening to such a happy song, for I am quite ill right now, but I feel like being joyous. Look at what I have! A home, great friends, an amazing church, a beautiful boyfriend, and a fantasmastical God. :]

I am getting hours in at the Psychology Building on campus, making me $10 an hour. Also, I got a 2 week apartment cleaning stint where I make $8.25 an hour. My fingers are crossed that I can get my rent paid for the month. And it would be nice if I could make a little extra for groceries.



How did this change come about? Well, my last post was about my horrid story. When reflecting upon it later, I realized that everything that had happened to me had ruined my life. I let everything ruin me. I am going to put in here what I wrote in my journal...

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July 22, 2009

"I had no control over what Byron did that night. But what happened the next morning, what will happen every morning for the rest of my life, that's up to me. I think people can choose to be victims or they can choose to be empowered and carry on. That's what I want. To be empowered."
~Annie Mills in "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things"

I have chosen to be a victim for 19 years. I claim that what I went through has made me stronger, but have I really let it strengthen me? Or have I continued to let myself be victimized as I have this pity party in life? Yeah, so I've been through a lot of shit. Does that mean I should let it all ruin my life? Why do I feel the need to show sorrow over my brokenness? God has given me a beautiful testimony. I was raised in an emotionally and physically and sometimes sexually abusive home, where my father was always reminding me I was ugly, and worthless, and his biggest mistake. My mother left him for a severe alcoholic, and soon became one and a drug addict. I watched as my older brother sold drugs, my mother wasted all of her money, and got us evicted. We jumped from house to house, sometimes going days without food or showers. I became suicidal and then an intense people pleaser, and that stereotypical girl at parties who would do anything to please others. My real father told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I came to college and continued on with my drunken promiscuity. After I was saved and tried to change my life, I was raped by someone I trusted. And no, it wasn't my fault. You can argue that since I was innebriated or whatever that I made that decision, but law says that a person should a) be completely and 100% sober to make that decision and b) actually say, "Yes, this is okay." I was not sober nor did I say yes. I was raped. Do not tell me that this is my fault, because God knows my heart and He knows what happened. I spiraled into a deep depression, and I quit on Christ. I let it ruin me.

Why? Shouldn't everything I have been through strengthened me? I should, but instead I let myself fall apart. I kept giving everything up to God, telling Him that He can take care of it for me, but never willing enough to actually face the things I have gone through, with God holding my hand and guiding the way.


God has put a lot on my heart, like what it truly means to heal. And also, I feel like more people need to be educated about this. I am going to pray, a lot. I have been thinking about starting a non-profit organization that travels around from school to school and talks to students about being careful, educating them on the statistics, and about rape.



My life is finally turning around, and God is holding my hand.I am on the up and up. :]