Oh, how I love Aladdin....

Don't you love how sometimes you can find deeper meanings in movies that are meant to be for children ages 6-12? Believe me, so do I. Growing up, my top 3 favorite Disney movies were 1) The Little Mermaid 2) Anastasia and 3) Aladdin. I have seen the movie Aladdin at least 20 times in my life, but for the first time tonight, I heard something that I had never heard before. If you have seen the movie, there is no need for me to describe in full the scene, but I do not want to assume that everyone has seen this amazing movie. So, picture this: Aladdin has just saved two small children from getting whipped by some nasty prince, and the prince criticizes Aladdin, saying that only the fleas would mourn him when he was gone. Aladdin goes on to sing the lines, "Riff Raff, Street rat, I don't buy that. If only they looked closer, would they see what I see? No siree, they'd find out there's so much more to me." My mind was blown when I realized what Aladdin had just sung. And I felt for him. I cried for like, 10 minutes over a fictional cartoon character. But, if you're close to me, you might understand that my spiritual gift is mercy, so it makes sense. When I think about how badly I want people to dig and find me, and accept me, I get 10 kinds of emotional. I become a woman truly then. I cry, and sob, so severly that the snot begins to drip from my nose, as the tip begins to get more and more pink, and my eyes become puffier as the seconds fly by. If anyone tells me I am cute in this state, I may just rebuke them.

I am trying to learn a few things in my life right now, a big one was something I discussed during my last epic blog. I am sorry for my avid readers (if there are any) for not updating sooner, but a) I felt like I had said A LOT during my last blog, and I wanted ya'll calm after my overwhelmingness and b) there were cookies that were not allowing me to go to blogger.com and I was too lazy for a few days to go through the mess (which was about 30 seconds) to allow the cookies. Yes, I can be semi-pathetic sometimes. Hmmmm, I just went on some sort of epic ramble right there. Some insight on the mind of Candace Maria, that is. [=

So, another thing I am hoping to learn is how to truly accept love and grace from others. One thing that kicks me in the gut is when I feel like I am not worthy of grace from others. See, I struggle with accepting grace in general. I cannot be gracious towards myself, and I sho 'nuff struggle with accepting it from God. But, then I think about Jesus. Why did He come and die on that cross? Why is it that the only perfect one who ever walked this earth, shed blood for me? A big reason is because when that blood was shed, and when He was nailed to that cross, after that was the first time that grace entered many Christians vocabulary. We learned what true, unconditional, 100% guaranteed love looks like. And it looks like death. It makes sense, because a way for us to show love to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ is to lay our lives down for them. To die daily is
how we show love to christ. When we die to our flesh.


So, what is this big thing that I am trying to get through my head. A great quote from another movie I love. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." (Moulin Rouge) I am always claiming that I am a lover. I say how much I love to love other people. I consider myself an encourager. But, where it gets tricky is the fact that I refuse to accept love from the people around me. I push it away and pretend it is petty and fake, and tell myself not to get my hopes up. No one can truly love me in that way. Only God. He loves me for who I am, and He is the only one who will accept me. Humans, I mean they're cool to hang out with and all and sometimes I think they are quite entertaining. But, do I honestly feel like they will love me even if I were to blow up a children's hospital? No, I don't. And that is a major issue! I cannot accept the love and grace that people keep extending my way. I say, "Um, yeah. Thanks, but.... no thanks."

I want to allow love in my life. I want it to flow, and for me to not try so hard to just love others. I want to get it through my head that people do want to love me. And I think the reason I feel people don't want to love me is for 2 main reasons. Reason number 1: My father. He abandoned me, abused me, and despised me. He hurt me dearly, and did not want to love me, even though he was my father. He was the man who had a huge deal in creating me. But, he wanted nothing to do with my existance except abuse me and tell me how worthless and ugly I was. And reason number 2: The fact that I was raped. I am starting to learn that being raped has an affect on parts of my life that I would never think it did. I was raped by someone I trusted, which hurts. It impaired my idea of all of those people in my life that I had trusted.

I know I am going to continue to struggle, and it will not be anytime soon that I will just accept everyone's love. I need to know that people do love me, though. This is what I am searching for. I want to know that I am loved. I need that affirmation. And, I do know that not all people say that they love me through using words. Some people do it through physical touch or acts of services, or maybe affirming me, telling me that my hair looks cute today (although, I will be completely honest. I am still so horrible at accepting compliments, and I apologize in advance for how I act, because I will most likely just roll my eyes and say thanks.)

I just looked back through this blog, and I realize why I try to blog as not oftne as possible. I feel like after I blog, and if anyone does read it, they will probably just sit in a dark room for 2 1/2 hours, not wanting to think because of how much junk I have hauled on them. That is fine. I say what my heart speaks, and I am letting God prune me so that I may begin to grow some beautiful fruit. [=

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace Maria