Desert Song

"This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received I will sow."

To be moved by one persons testimony so much that it affects your life is something miraculous and a straight up blessing from God. I have been moved by a testimony from Jill McCloghry. She is a singer for Hillsong United. If you go to youtube.com and search 'Desert Song Story', you will be privileged enough to hear her testimony.

What I see from her testimony is a divine faith in God. She holds securely to His word and His promises. How easy is it for us to get discouraged and just give up and turn our backs on God? For me, it is the easiest thing for me to do. It is what I did for the majority of this summer. I entered this summer with so many expectations, to watch them all be blown out of the water. I sat back and witnessed my entire world crumbling into pieces as God did nothing. Or so I thought. See, the funny thing about that is, God did everything. Everything that happens happens for a purpose that a lot of the times we cannot begin to comprehend. The entire time I watched my world fall apart, I imagined God as this cold and distant being who was turning His back on me. My heart was completely torn apart because my Heavenly Father who was always supposed to love me was turning His back on me. But, the truth is, every time something else failed or fell apart, God was opening His arms even wider. God watched me be broken and watched everything disappear because I needed to know what it meant to only rely on God. I lost my reason for living, my reason for singing, my reason for worshiping. I felt alone and rejected, so I turned my back on Him like I thought He had turned His back on me.

It took one line from a song to fill me up with God's love. The line that is bolded, I know I'm filled to be emptied again. So, I am giving God my hand again, and I am ready to be filled and emptied again.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

Welcome to my funeral...

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou

"Who I am is not who I wanna be."

Why does God do the things He does? Am I even allowed to question His so-called plans? Why would He put someone through so much disappointment? Really, what good can that do?

I have a job interview with Torrid on Monday, and all I can really do is pray to God to bless me with this job.

My silly, youthful urges are surfacing once again in my life. Lately I have been writing a lot, singing, dreaming. As the song goes, "Every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights." I'm having these insane ideas again that I want to be famous. Why? I really thought I had moved past that. Realized that I lacked the potential needed to make it big time and accepted that I could affect people on a local level. Obviously not.

I even quit smoking. Like, I threw away an entire pack of cigarettes (almost full) in hopes of saving my voice.

Where is this coming from? It's poor timing.

Anyways, here's a life update. I am currently living at my best friends future husbands house. Confusing? I am working somewhere between 40-55 hours a week at McDonald's (I worked a 15 hour shift just yesterday). My phone = a goner. But here in an hour or so, I will be taking care of that and getting a new one. I am buying a car next week. I am going to this dealership called Donald's, and I'll be making payments on it for awhile. I am trying to find somewhere close to "home" to live, but I cannot afford to live on my own and I cannot seem to find anyone who wants to live with me. I started dating a new guy. His name is Nate. He is wonderful, mature, and sweet. He is going into the Navy.

So, there's a quick update, for those who read this (aka Samantha).

"A different city every night, oh yes I swear, the world better prepare for when I'm a billionaire."