She tells everyone a story, because she feels her life is boring, and she fights so you won't ignore her, because that's her biggest fear, and she cries, but you'll rarely see her do it. She loves, but she's scared to use it. So she hides behind the music, cause she likes it that way. She knows, She's so much more than worthless, she needs to find the surface, because she's starting to get nervous.
She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, ' Cause every time I fall down, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.
What am I best at? I really feel like I have come down to one final answer: I am best at hiding. I am so damn good at running and hiding. I do it to everyone, whether they know it or not. So many people think they know me, but how can they know me when I have no freaking clue who I am? I keep promising myself so much, and I keep promising God these things too. But, does it work? Never. I am a liar. I always say I want to change my life, I want to live fully for God, I want to be His warrior, I want to find out who I am and who God is. But then I run away with my tail in between my legs. I hide, because I feel like it is easier. In my mind, hiding is easier than facing the truth.
Here is the truth: I am fake. I am a liar. I am a coward. I pretend to be myself, to be genuine, and legit. But I am not. I lie and pretend to be who people want to see. I put on a mask of sarcasm and crass remarks. I give people an excuse to reject me. If any of you really know me, you know that everything I say is dripping with disdain and sarcasm. The reason behind this is, if someone doesn't like me, I know why. I feel less rejected. In my mind it is okay that they don't like me, because I am a bitch whom only some people can handle. I have lived the life of a lie for 19 years, and I know how many people there are out there who have been living their lives this way for so much longer. I do not know how they can do it, and sometimes I feel like I have no voice. I feel like I am screaming for someone to notice how unhappy I am. I don't know how to just tell people, "Hey, I am not happy with living." It is sad that the only way I can do it is behind a computer screen, because I fear seeing people's reactions.
I feel like people always expect me to be happy. I know that they don't, but that is the way I feel. As I write this, I can't even let myself cry about this, because I am afraid someone will unexpectedly come over or my roommate will come home early. How can I possibly be happy about the life I am living?!
I am always telling others what to do to make things better in their life, to fix the relationship they have with others or sometimes even with God. But, I am never able to listen to my own advice. I am also always telling others how beautiful it is to be broken, but I sit here still unable to truly allow myself to be broken, because I fear being weak. I was raped about 9 months ago, and I have only cried over it once, and when that happened I was ashamed and embarrassed. I have even seen the guy a couple of times since it happened, but I still manage to convince myself that I cannot be weak. I tell myself that I cannot fall apart because there will be no one to pick me up. I am always trying so many things to make things better with God, like fasting or trying to have alone time. But, those are all focused on me. I realized I am committing idolatry. I am putting myself above God. I am relying on myself and only me to get through everyday. I am a freaking hypocrtical jerk face.
What the hell am I doing with my life? Why am I wasting my time? All I keep telling myself is, "God will keep waiting for me. He will be patient and still love me." This is true and all, but I am giving myself excuses to run and hide from him. I am telling myself it is okay to ignore God because He will still love me in the end.
I am collapsing. I am slowly giving up and deteriorating. I am dying. If I don't do something soon, I know things will get bad for me. I deal with my pain in bad ways, and I am so scared that I won't be able to control myself, and I will fall back into old habits. I keep making jokes, about how I am going to kill myself or cut myself, and people just think it is me being over dramatic and dumb, but what they don't see is that I am begging them to help me. To see that I am dying....
"She fools all of her friends into thinking she's so strong, but she still sleeps with the light on, and she acts like it's all right, as she smiles again....."
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i don't know what i can say to make you deal with the horrendous experience you have had to go through.but i do know this.you cannot allow him to win.whoever it was,that did this to you,they were well aware of what consequences his actions may have on you but he violated you like that anyway.its unforgivable,and i for one,hope he pays,preferrably in hell.but never forget that if you allow yourself to see that there is still hope and possibility for you,and that you can come through this and emerge a stronger person than you ever imagined you could be...then God will see you through.you say you are christian.well i'm a Muslim and as christian is synonymous with narrow minded,Muslim is synonymous with terrorist.to the scum in the world who think they know us anyway.but whether christian or muslim,one thing is certain.if you take one step towards God he will take ten towards you to help you.let your faith be your guide.by reading your posts,i feel like i know some piece of you,and knowing what i know about you so far,i KNOW,i BELIEVE that you WILL get through this.question is..do YOU believe..
ReplyDelete"I am always trying so many things to make things better with God, like fasting or trying to have alone time. But, those are all focused on me. I realized I am committing idolatry. I am putting myself above God. I am relying on myself and only me to get through everyday. I am a freaking hypocrtical jerk face"
ReplyDeletei assure you.you are NOT who you think you are,if what you wrote above is any indication of what you really think of yourself.
its okay to want to heal.and its okay to seek out your inner spirit and try to heal your soul.thats whats really been tarnished here.your self respect and your dignity.you CAN get it back.but if you think by fasting,you are being self absorbed,then you are seriously mistaken.fasting isn't about YOU.i mean,it is,but thats not why people do it.i'm a Muslim,like i said,and fasting is one of the four pillars of our faith.the others are prayers five times a day,pilgrimage to Macca,givings alms to the poor...and fasting.
fasting isn't something you do for selfish reasons.it's all about what intent you do it with.if your intention in fasting was to get closer to God,then please believe me when i say,your fasting was working.people fast to get closer to God.you fast and eat less and stay away from worldly pleasures that may lead to sin,and realize just exactly how much you owe to God.if for even a split second,you felt a little in awe of God for giving you all that he has,then trust me,your fast worked.thats the whole point.you fast to invoke gratitude.its not about just eating less.its about keeping a distance from common worldly pleasures.only then can you truly invoke gratitude within yourself.and about the alone time...recall that all of God's men,as well as Jesus,whom you call Christ and we call a prophet,took several hours at a time in a single day to sit by themselves and sort their feelings out.about God,about the world..about themselves in general.its not a sin.in a way,you're kind of following a tradition of sorts,and a fantastic one at that.so dont feel bad.you're doing great.as long as you WANT to and are TRYING to be closer to God,know that He knows and loves you all the more for making the effort.we have this saying from our Prophet Muhammad : "take one step towards Allah,and he shall take ten towards you" so believe that He thinks you're doing okay.because you are.You're a good person and you believe in Him and want to get close to him.thats all He really wants of us..