Happy Birthday?

19 years ago today marks the birth of Candace Maria. An unplanned birth, I was a happy surprise to my mother and not so happy to the other parental unit. I have a big disdain for birthdays, and my forehead feels very tight right now due to the fact that I know people are going to be wishing me happy birthday all day.


Here is the thing about birthdays- I hate them. I will explain why. My father had already had a girl before he married my mom. So, in his mind, he was set once my brother was born. One of each, why would he need more? So, when my mother got pregnant only 3 months after my brothers birth, my father was very against it. He tried to force my mother into having an abortion, was physically abusive with her, and just wasn't okay. So, my father split only a year after my birth. Something I've never told my mother was that when I was 12, my father told me that not only was I his biggest mistake, but that I was the cause of the divorce. I am sure you can only imagine the guilt that must lay on a child, one so young and so impressionable. Since then, my birthday has been one where I was honestly bitter and ridden with guilt.

I know it was for the best that my mother left my father, but to have the weight that you were the cause of a divorce is big. To know that you were the factor that stopped two people who were once in love, and tore them apart. I did that. It is hard to live with that. Throughout my life, people have always told me not to blame myself. But, how can I not blame me when my father obviously did.

Also, birthdays are sensitive because I've never really had a good birthday. There has always been something bad that happened. Like when I turned 13 and decided to have a party, and only 1 person showed up. Or the year when everyone forgot my birthday, and made up for it by celebrating it on the 18th.


So, where am I going with my pity party?

I feel like for the longest time, I have felt as though the only purpose in life I had was to break up a love. To break up a bond where both parties said "until death do us part...". Does that make me death? I am the death that broke up my parents marriage.

And to make matters worse, I feel utterly alone on this birthday. Yes, it is 4 a.m. How can I judge? I just feel like, even when I am around people, I will still feel alone and invisible. Like I always do.



When will I feel seen? When will I feel good enough to be visible? |


Happy birthday Candace.

Peace, Love, and Chimichangas,
Candace